Holy f*ck troops

2005-08-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

Woaaaa it's been a while since my last post :P Sorry for not keeping you up to date with my seemingly boring life!

Summer's almost over, and frankly, I'm glad. I've had enough of working shitty hours and making shitty money. I am very very excited about moving (fully) into my appartment and seeing some old buddies again. I kinda want to be back at school right now, so much easier and more chill.

I'm feeling a little frusterated these days. Because the majority of my friends in Oakville are of age, I rarely - if ever - see them anymore because they go out every single weekend. I've suggested a movie night or something of the sorts that I can participate in, but I'm starting to see us part ways. I guess they have higher priorities, such as partying, than staying friends with me. That's fine I guess... although I already miss their friendship.

Not really looking forward to this weekend; more specifically this friday. I work 4-9 at Little Caesars, and then I have to book it to Tims to work the night shift - i.e. the night shift which implies working from 10pm-6am. I've already made out a schedule on the times to drink coffee/tea that night. It's going to be rough, but at least it's only for one night - there's a girl at work who just found out she's pregnant and can't work this week, so I'm filling in one of her shifts. I just don't see how people could work the night shift full time - it's nuts.

In other news, I got a tattoo! I don't know what exactly prompted me to do this, but I've been thinking about getting one for a while and decided to check out a local tattoo parlor. I visited Way Cool and was highly impressed - they were very clean, very helpful, very friendly. Within 20 minutes I had impulsively decided to get one. It's cute, I think.. it's a little black kind of tribal flower on my left hip at a slight angle. I just hope I don't regret this later, because I sure as hell am NOT paying for it to be removed :P I haven't told my parents yet, and I don't plan to until I finish university. Well, actually, that's a lie. I might tell my mom sooner because she's more understanding... but I'll probably have to keep this a secret from my nazi dad (haha)

It will be 3 years August 21st that Dave and I are together. It's weird though, it seems like its been much much longer. Anyway, I'm pretty proud of it, but I don't think we're doing any big celebration or anything. We might have dinner together and just chill, but I'm thinking I should sneak in a surprize somewhere along the line.

I don't have too much planned for today... I've been meaning to go to the gym, so I'll do that after I drop my sister off at her doc's appointment. I want to look for some plants to bring to my appartment (I love decorating) and then I work at 5. I'm anticipating it's going to be brutal in there - working with 5 ft x 5f ovens in already 30 degree weather just isn't cool.

2005-04-30T22:59:00.000-07:00

I don't understand myself, or guys.They tell you one thing, and then do another.. actions speak louder than words. Trust me on this one.I don't feel as if I'll ever be good enough for Dave. I know he loves me for me, surprizingly, but I can't even love myself and I therefor vent my frusteration of my ugliness to Dave. It's all unconscious too.. so before I can stop myself from saying nasty comments, it's done.. and then I'm in shit because I realise what I've said and have to somehow make the already uncomfortable situation better.

It's almost like I want to be in control of what he thinks, feels, says, does. But I can't. I don't have that power, and even if I did, it wouldn't be fair to him. Why do guys have to be the way they are? Checking out women even in the presence of you. Telling you one thing but doing another (which is why I so strongly agree with the phrase, " Actions speak louder than words"). I have absolutely no confidence in myself and I hate it. I hate that I want Dave to myself, but know that he's always checking out women. I hate knowing that I'm fat and am not the most attractive person in the word, am not the best in bed, am not the funniest or kindest girl out there. I don't even know how to describe myself anymore because I'm getting so fucked up in the head. I just wish I could be normal and happy, instead of alternating between periods of euphoria and bouts of depression (which to me sounds like bipolar, but I won't diagnose myself). Ugh I don't know anymore. I just don't understand where to start explaining how I feel.

2005-04-28T23:05:00.000-07:00

i feel like i have nobody to turn to. i feel like i want to give up. i can't come to grips with how freaking ugly i am. i feel as though i shouldn't be seen in public. i feel like i can't trust others or myself. I am constantly comparing myself, putting myself down, and people are ignorning me. I guess they've gotten used to it so they stop trying to make me think otherwise. sometimes i feel like hurting myself, like i owe it to myself to alleviate some pain. i feel useless. i feel alone. i hate reality. i hate myself, and many other people. i feel like hiding in a corner and never coming out. i'm using life to my disadvantage. my dad hates me. my mom expects more of me. my sister looks up to me, and i have no idea why. i feel like my body is shaking uncontrollably as i write this. i'm so fucking insecure that these all just repeat over and over again. i can't stop it. i don't know who to talk to anymore, and who to believe. there are so many fucking liars out there who try and please me but in the end hurt me. i'm almost so numb that i just feel like i'm slipping further and further away. i'm so fucking confused. i need comfort, i need support, but i don't hear it. i don't absorb it, nor do i believe it. i've said this before and i'll say it again, i feel like i'm driving people further away each time. i don't know whether to appologise or scream. maybe hitting the wall will help, or rocking back and forth curled up in a ball. i just don't know anymore. i just don't know.

" God of all sick things, get me the fuck out of here "

2005-04-14T10:35:00.000-07:00

Okay sooo... I don't understand people sometimes. Especially guys. I make attempts to stay friends with them because I like their personality and handle on life, but in the end I have it all blown up in my face and I realise that I'm worth nothing to them. Not one bit. I guess that's how much they value our friendship. Whatever... their loss.

2005-03-31T22:25:00.000-08:00

I live in a dark circle, I think. I ask questions that perpetuate my feelings of certain situations, which elevates my feelings of them and therefore continues the circle. And I bring it upon myself. The end result? I irritate people, which lead them to question our relationship together, I fall apart, I heal, and then I break open again. I honestly don't know what drives me to keep doing this, but I feel out of control.

I don't know who I can trust, and who I can't. I feel lost. And what do I trust - instinct? Other sources of information? Majority?

Am I depressed? I wouldn't know.. maybe? It's hard to say. I have my good days, but I by far have more bad days than good. And bad days equate to hiding in my room for hours, sitting at my computer, listening to sad music. I'm pathetic, but I guess it's better than other habits like smoking or whatever.

I don't know how to be honest. I don't even know why I'm saying that.

I can't come to grips with the way that I look. I realise that that's a pretty heavily discussed topic on here, but it's one of my larger concerns. I hate knowing that there are more attractives girls out there who don't have to work nearly as hard as I do to look "good". I've never been complemented that I'm gorgeous, so I guess it isn't true, or else somebody would have told me a long time ago. Maybe people can't say it to my face because I'm too scary looking? That I'm too manly looking to be a girl? Or that I'm just too fucking huge? I wouldn't mind it if they did call me pretty.. even once... because that would make me smile. I feel like an ugly duckling. I feel guilty for eating too much food. I feel even more guilty for not exercising as hard as I should be.. just so I can barely fit into the stylish clothes that's out right now. Fucking designer people making the clothes too short - I can't help my height and my frame, but I certainly could afford to loose more weight. I'm thinking 30 lbs would do it.

There are points where I feel like giving up. That I will never be good enough for people, let enough for myself... so why do I even bother? The only things I contribute towards relationships are bitterness and dispute. I am conscious about this, but I subconsciously keep the problems rolling. It's almost as if my mind enjoys it, because I've had so much practice with it over the years that it seems to come naturally to me.

Which brings me to my dad. This is why I hate coming home on the weekends.. to know that I'll see him. Ever since I left for school we haven't gotten along more than one day with me home. Somehow I annoy him, and in many ways he annoys me, so we just yell at each other all the time. I get used to it, so it doesn't affect me as much as it used to.. but I think it plays off on my relationship with Dave. My dad and I concentrate on the negatives with each other, we then suppress these feelings inside, and then vent it on other objects/people. This is what bothers me. I feel as if I'm using Dave as a scapegoat, but he's the only one who seems to listen to me and trys to make me feel better.. but it's no use. I get feeling good about things for a while, but then I'll snap and I go right back to my original negativity. I feel as if I'm driving him away more and more each day and I don't think it's fair to him to have to deal with me. I'm such a problem. I feel as if he deserves a girl who doesn't give a shit about what he does, who he sees... I'm so critical of him, and it's not fair. I want to stop, but I can't. I don't know how to stop... I've tried, trust me. I try to, on my own, analyze what I have done/said and then reflect these interpretations to Dave to see if they make sense.

I just don't know... I want to be happy, and am fairly confident that with the right attitude I can right back on track, but somehow I don't think that's going to be very easy.

To end this lovely blog, I would like to give a shout out to my playa 'leks from the T-d0t. YO dawg, stop reading my blogs foo or else ima.... uh... ima have to get back to you on that one. Peace niggah.

2005-03-22T01:11:00.000-08:00

Ahhh another sleepless night at res! I really should put a sticker on my forehead each day that says "Hey! I'm an insomniac because, well, I just can't sleep here!"... but unfortunately, I don't have any stickers :(

When I look back at what I've accomplished throughout the year, it isn't really a lot. I've written too many tests, handed in a great deal of half-assed assignments, crammed/stressed/bitched/debated/studied/freaked out/had an episode (or 5) of mental breakdown. All for what? For my parents to know that their money isn't going to waste? To prove that I'm not a complete moron and that I am in fact capable of working my brain? Sigh.

About 3 more weeks of school. Then one week of "summer" holiday. Then full time work. Was talking with Aleks about working last night... really pissed me off. The guy seems to have it made in the shade for him and was pretty much enforcing the fact that he is always right and that there is "no use in disagreeing". His claim was that you should find a job that's relevent to your major so that it looks good on a resume and promises you more attention in finding a long-term job. Well, fuck... I, like any other university student, need the money to even go to school so that I increase my chances of success in the future. I don't particularly care if the money is related to my major or not, because it's just money, and in the end that's what really matters. Sure I could look for a job with a Kinesiology background... but I'm not an actual kinesiologist. I don't have the training yet to be one, so I don't deserve to be paid like one.

Ugh, I don't really know what I'm trying to say/prove. I'm too tired to think right now. Good night... morning?

2005-03-14T18:42:00.001-08:00

I have reached a conclusion about something that's been bothering me. Trying to decide whether to act on it if/when the time comes is another problem.

I don't know. I don't consider myself stupid or blind - I know what goes on... but if people decide things and just go for it, then they can kiss my ass gouda bye.

2005-03-14T18:42:00.000-08:00

2005-03-06T22:22:00.000-08:00

I think I have a problem.

2005-03-04T14:29:00.000-08:00

Reading week went by faster than I had hoped, as was predicted. I didn't really get a lot accomplished because the drive NOT to do homework was too great.. so I ended up just catching up with friends, watching movies, seeing Dave. Think I saw him every day without fail, too. Good stuff.

I got a job as a waitress/server at a little place in Bronte called The Fire Hall. The person who interviewed me was kinda scary (just picture a scary, tough woman, enough said), but she was nice enough to hire me... although she didn't actually say " Okay, great, we would love to have you as a part of our team". It basically went from seeing that I worked here and there, and that this is when I start training. Pretty awesome. I'm predicting that my schedule will be all over the place as really I'll be doing practically nothing else over the summer (social life is going down the drain). But money is needed. Big time. Anyway, I'm pumped that I have a job lined up once I finish school. Based on the atmosphere of this little place (it's a bar/mini restaurant) I should make good tips... that's if I kiss people's asses nicely enough. Sigh.

Now that I'm back at school, it's back to feeling shitty. I don't sleep well enough here, and I don't nearly eat as well as I do at home... which is expected of course, it just sucks, to be blunt. I had a 3 hour nap today because people last night just couldn't shut their freaking cock-sucking mouths. Seriously! My blog isn't about hormones tonight.. but I was ready to pound somebody. I could take 'em on.

Don't have any plans for tonight... yet. Actually, no, I don't have any plans. Since I couldn't have been conceived earlier, I'm one of the youngest on my floor and therefor cannot attend the bar nights that my floor weekly goes on. Oh well. I'll use the quiet time to catch up on some reading that I've been procrastinating against.

Tomorrow my dad and sister are up in the 'Loo for my sis's cheerleading competition. I see them performing and it kinda makes me sad that I quit cheerleading. The only reason I quit, though, was because I got made fun of at school. None of my friends were into sports, so when I initially started, they were saying things like " You should be playing basketball" (but I hate basketball) or "cheerleading isn't a sport". To be honest though, it was an awesome workout. My arms/back had never been so strong, and I was the best 3rd on the team.... anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. They're going to take me out for dinner tomorrow night, so that is exciting, I guess.

I would love to stay and write up more, but my stomach is saying " Cassie! Feeeeeed me! I'm hungrrryy!" so I must aqueous to its request :P

2005-03-01T20:02:00.000-08:00

I feel that as I write, I am being analyzed for every sentence. Like I can't express myself on here anymore, because my thoughts end up puzzling people and leading them to inquire about my posts. I get defensive when they ask me about this... " Cassie, are you okay?" ..because no, 50% of the time I am not. I feel trapped in a viscious cycle of hatred and happiness... alternating between one another. I don't like that I do not feel comfortable in my own skin, and that I can see an inevitable amount of flaws that seem to shine through the rest of me. My mind is constantly contradicting itself. I see a situation one way, interpret it, subconsciously switch to negative mood, then feel bad about myself. This in turn leads me to believe that I shouldn't bother anymore. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of feeling that I have to hide, because I don't like to open up to people. I find it intimidating, and more or less very, very hard to do. It's like I perpetuate the situation by egging people on.. thus building my anxiety about the conversation/situation itself. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself, but it's like I can't stop. I try so hard concentrating on the good things that I have, which is a many... but the negative seem to outnumber the good. I feel out of place in life, and I shouldn't. I just shouldn't. I don't know how much longer people can stand seeing me like this. To be honest, I'm astonished that they've put up with me this far along. I'm driving people away but it's like I bring it upon myself to do so. I don't like it, but I just do it. I just need this to stop. Please God let it stop.

2005-02-25T20:02:00.000-08:00

So.. would you say that I'm a hypocrite? A big one, for that matter?
Or should I say you're a fucking liar?

2005-01-31T19:34:00.000-08:00

This is a poem dedicated to Kate, the biggest bitch on 3N. Had to vent this beacuse this has been going on for 4 months now and I've had it.

Kate, Kate, you are so not great
You make me want to suffocate (you)
You couldn't give a shit about what somebody says
Because you're the kind of person that just doesn't care
Well, I fucking give up, I've had it with you
If I see you, I acknowledge you
If you see me, you acknowledge nothing
We're through
Oh wait, we never started
Bring it on, bitch.

Yeah that's right... don't mess with me tonight.

2005-01-25T08:37:00.000-08:00

There is so much to be said, and yet I cannot say much of anything. Even if I do say something, it will be disregarded.

I cannot dictate what others can and cannot do.. moreso, I like to "emphasize" my strongly felt opinions on them in hopes that they realise it will benefit them, not me.

I guess people have different values in life - I know mine. For sure.

It occured to me today that my influence on a person in my social network will always be ignored. As much as I try explaining my opinion to somebody and encouraging them to do so, in the end, it is ultimately their call.

Maybe that's why I'm so tired these days (if this post makes any sense, which I highly doubt).

2005-01-11T20:40:00.000-08:00

Riiiight..

No matter how little I eat, or how much I exercise, I can't get skinny. All I want is to be skinny and have people think that I'm attractive.. I need the attention, though I get the attention. I get the good comments. But I don't see it. I don't see any of it, and I don't acknowledge that there is anything even close to what people see of me.

I don't have curves - I have blobs of fat dispersed unevenly over my body. In turn, I prefer not to wear tight clothes that show these distributions because I am afraid that people will think of me as unattractive.

What's worse - I have to swim. In front of people. In front of guys. The coach/prof is a guy. I am petrified to take off the towel that hides my hips. Yes, especially my hips - which just so happen to be too big as well. I'm not sure what size, but big enough for me to have very unsuccessfull shopping trips.

My thighs piss me off. Having played soccer in the past and not keeping it up.. I have saddle bags and fat that seem to easily giggle whenever I walk. Thus, I feel funny walking.

I ate pasta today. Yes, not even a half of a portion of what they serve at the caf.. but that was my meal of the day. And I feel guilty for eating it. It's like, all I want for food now is salad, yogurt, and peaches.. 4 crackers sometimes. That's if they're Breton crackers. If they're the white kind, then it's 6. Instead of milk at meals, I will have water because it fills you up, hydrates you, and has 0 calories.

It's never enough. I am constantly - and by constantly, I mean every second I'm thinking about what I look like. I spend hours carefully examining every inch of my body for the many imperfections I have. I could start naming them if you want, but you'd be here for a while reading my shit.

I know that Dave loves me and is always telling me, "You're sexy! What are you talking about? You have a great ____ or ___. I don't know why you love me, but you do.. and I feel great because you do."

I also know that Dave loves me for being me - whoever I am. I don't even know who I am, and what makes me so special or attractive to another person.

You know what happens though.. with Dave's comments I mean.. I ignore them. I completely block them out from retention, and I just go "meh" or I say a stupid comment. Because I don't see it, or believe it. I think, how can people actually think that all this flab is attractive? I am far, far from that. I'm a big, european white girl. It's not easy.

I hate the way that I look. I feel like saying tomorrow I should start throwing up my food to accomplish anything - I did that on the weekend after I was completely trashed, and I felt a lot lighter. Fucked up my sugars though, so that's my only drawback to going through with it.

2005-01-10T09:31:00.000-08:00

Was it love I've betrayed, for the shape that I'm in?
It's not hard to fail, it's not easy to win
Did I drink too much? Could I disappear?
And there's nothing that's left but wasted years..

2005-01-10T04:28:00.000-08:00

Really tired. Didn't sleep much.

I interrogated someone last night, and I couldn't stop myself. I kept asking him questions that I felt needed answering, and he answered them.Truthfully.I will never understand the male lusts.
I can only fulfill so much when I am back home.But, at least he was honest with me, I guess... though I still kind of feel like shit.Maybe I can use porn (the problem) to my advantage?
I'm old enough to.I don't know..I feel as if it's because I'm not attractive enough, or good enough.
I hate these sick/gross/nasty images. Why aren't I seen in these images? I can only do so much.. and I try so damn hard to please.

Then he told me that he loved me. Love, in that point of time, was the least of my concerns. I was angry at him. I wanted to run over to him and make him see how upset I was. I wanted the answers to come out of him, but at the same time, it hurt to hear them.

Then he told me that he's still with me because he unconditionally loves me. Pretty crazy - I harass him like a mad(person), say some bad comments that you wouldn't hear from me 98% of the time, and then he's still there. Yes, pretty crazy.

Hopefully, if I keep busy, "this too shall pass". I didn't appreciate what he was saying - he was being honest about the whole thing, and I think he was handling the best of the both of us, though I wish he could see where I am coming from...

Sigh.

2005-01-08T13:42:00.000-08:00

Okay so.. I just signed a form for an appartment.

2 bed room, fully furnished
a full kitchen
a living room
patio/balcony on the first floor
a full bathroom
475+ pp/month, inclusive
on Regina street (about 5-10 min walk to school)
laundry is literally across the hall
landlords are really nice
12-month lease, so it's fair enough.

I am excited. Now I have one less thing to worry about for the term :D

2005-01-06T21:10:00.000-08:00

Not the greatest night tonight. Spent a good hour walking in the freezing, blizzarding shiznippling weather looking at a shitty house. And my shitty, I mean horseshit. We showed up at this house on Erb St, which is about 40 minutes away by walking. Holy fuck troops. We knocked on the door and the landlord shows up kinda.. tipsy. Great first impression. We enter our "section" by going through the garage, which appears to not have a lockable door. We see where our "living room" would be, which is about the size of my room right now except with nothing in it and crummy conditions.. condition is the same, as is the bedroom. The only nice part about it was the fucking bathroom, but it was jokes. I wasn't very impressed, neither was Cath. Oh well. On to the next one tomorrow.

2005-01-05T14:31:00.000-08:00

Alright, this sucks. Shit.

2005-01-04T20:46:00.000-08:00

I've been having a hard time trying to decide who to live with, but I think I've figured out at least one person to.

As much as I've become friends with Catherine, and what an amazing friend she is, I don't think I can live with her. Her past living and study habits have made me doubt my compatability to her, because I would go crazy living with her. I hate being mean, but I have to go tell her that it's a no go...

Meg is awesome. She's kinda a tom-boy like me and is very easy-going, but has good study habits and cleanliness. I know she's still torn on who to live with, but I told her tonight openly that I'm interested in living with her and if she is then she should talk with me. Then, we can further see who else to live with and start looking for houses/apparments.

Amanda is cool, and her personality derives around humor, which is great. From what I've seen too, she's a good listener and is a partier once in a while. I like that. I'm not a big party person, so she'd be the one to get my ass out of wherever we were staying and go have some fun.

I don't know about the rest of the girls. Kate and Jenn are a no go becuase my god, they are LOUD as hell when I'm trying to sleep. I've told them that many times, too, because it drives me nuts when I can't sleep and know I have to be up inconceivably early. Those two are tight anyway, so there's no way in breaking the bond between them.

Can't say I get along amazing with my kin friends. I know one, Christine, whom I've become very close with, but she lives off campus so would be a no-go anyway. Dayna, Jill and Nicole are alright, except I get the feeling that they'd like to keep my out of their group. Jill doesn't send the vibe that she's all that thrilled talking to me - she's got a sharp tongue. Not very impressive, methinks.

The rest of the floor more than likely already has their little groups formed. I feel like an outcast sometimes because I am, in fact, in the "boonies" of the hall and therefor don't see all the public drama/traffic that goes on in our halls. Oh well, I've been trying anyway. I can't get along with everybody, right?

If all goes well, then I'm hoping to find a place - ANY place, considering if it's close to groceries, laundry, a fair cost, and not in shit condition - to live in. The closer to campus, too, the better.

Anyway, classes today consisted of Kin and sociology. I'm predicting that this new Kin course is going to be more work, because we cover topics such as physiology and motor control. Oh well. I'm glad I took the kin course in grade 12, because I would probably be stumped at trying to learn this. Apparently, my teachers switch after every 5 lectures or so to cover the different topics. Strange. How I am being marked, you ask? 2 test. One midterm. One final. 50/50. That's it. This is going to be fun.

As for sociology.. well, it's sociology. I'm in the shittiest room in the Arts Building (1E1), and sitting in that place for 3 hours at night is really quite, uh, charming. Naw, I'm being sarcastic... BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH... ahah... heh... *Sigh*. This prof has a few good jokes to bring up once in a while, but she's organized the course into a bitchy way.

Why am I still up this late? I have aquatics at 8am tomorrow, though since it's the first day, I'll probably just be at the Northdale campus for like 30 minutes. It always turns out that way, anyway.

Today was a bit hectic - I was talking with a girl about what quarter credit she was taking the 2nd half of this term, and after I heard her reply I said, " Oh really.. I'm taking aerobics". She then proceeded to ask me, " Don't you need fitness as a prereq"

Shit.

So the fun began there, in addition to adding sociology to my schedule. It would make life a hell of a lot easier if I could have just done it online, but no, I had to go get some signatures in tiny little boxes that nobody looks at anyway. Fucking registrar. In the end, I had to drop the aerobics. I also can't take any other quarter credit classes this year because they're all booked, so I have to make up one next year some time. Not that I really care, it's just a gym class, but it's going to be an extra course that I probably don't have time to do!

Got an email from Kat saying she wants me to be her bridesmaid. Now, call me strange, but I don't recall hearing about 18 year old bridesmaids, do you? I didn't think so. She was saying that the wedding is probably going to be on May 28th (a month into me working full time, oh joy) but that she had to determine her "schedule" before a final date was determined. What's weird, though, is that my parents are encouraging me to go. Not that I'm not wanting to go because I just don't want to, but I've been friends with Katarina since day one.. and since I left for Ontario and her for Missouri, we've grown distanced over the years. But, I can recall as a kid dreaming about how we'd have each other in our weddings, and it's actually coming true for her side.

Decisions, decisions.

So my parents are probably going to offer me their Air Miles whatevermathingy and I can travel there. I already have my passport, so I'm good to go in that department.. although I hope she sends out an official invitation addressing "Cassie and guest" so that Dave can be my date :P

Only time will tell. Until next time..

2005-01-03T13:32:00.000-08:00

Well then, I got back in the 'Loo today around 3:00 or so. I have to admit, as much as I thoroughly enjoyed sleeping in my huge bed at home and eating amazing food, I missed Laurier. Pretty crazy eh? Back in September it was the exact opposite, but I firmly believe that I've settled in a lot since then.

Highlight of my holiday was spending time with Dave and my friends that I never see anymore. From hanging out and watching hockey at Pat's place, or at Foreman's for N. Ys, I can already sense the changes between my close friends and I. We're seeing each other differently, at an older level, athough I'm not complaining.. it's just different.

I swear, I saw Dave for atleast a week straight, and it was superbly awesome. You don't realise what you miss when you don't get to see your significant other on a daily basis - yesterday after I drove him home, I was already missing him. Aw, shucks. To be honest though, I think we're holding up really well. We're both aware that it's hard sometimes and a pain in the ass to be spending money on long-distance calls, but in the end it's worth it. Feburary 21st is our 2-and-a-half year mark, so I imagine we'll just celebrate on Valentines or something? Wait, reading week is from the 21st-25th.. hmm.. *ponders*

On another note, I ate so much damn good food this break, a key part of this diet was chocolate, and an abundance of it. Oh baby. Another reason I was looking forward to going back to school - back to a diet of salads, yogurt, and fruit to shed the pounds! boo yah! Speaking of which, I'm STILL eating the leftovers from the dinner the other day. I don't mind turkey once or twice a year, but this is getting a little out of hand.. geez. Oh well. It's free food, I'll take it.

I enjoyed Christmas day with my family, where we had a nice breakfast and then proceeded to open a few presents. I distinctly told my parents not to spend much money on me this year, because I feel bad enough having them pay a good 6200 right before the christmas break :S. Some highlights included a deluxe pedicure ( i highly recommend this to anyone, it makes you feel soo good), some free weights, earings, and a pair of fuzzy slippers which perfectly match my housecoat! (Good job Tiltoid). I hope everybody liked their gifts, I know I sure appreciated mine.

Foreman's was a great time, although I was a little disappointed that Pat, Linds, Colin, Julie, and Grazia didn't attend. Dave and I were originally invited to celebrate in Guelph, but we just didn't have the energy to go there.. so Foremans was our option. It wasn't too big of a crowd, but it was enough to make me smile. I shot the shit with Dunc and Jackie, played pool, danced around, laughed, you name it. And the Sleeman's did me well, although I think I was scaring Dave because I act funny when I have alcohol in me. Damn chronic disease that rasies blood sugar *glare*. We hit the sack around 1 or 2, but I don't remember if I actually fell fully asleep because people were still laughing and making noise. I think I got up in the middle of the night and just told them to quiet down, and they eventually did. Sleeping beside a pool table wasn't the greatest idea - was a bit squishy, and we were kinda cold.. but it was better than the floor. We left around 10am and headed back to my place for some breakfast and to have a shower. Overall, I don't know about Dave, but I had a great time. I was glad I got to celebrate another year with some amazing friends. Cheers guys. Let's do it again next year :D

You know what.. I really am not ready to go back to school. I was just getting back into the slack mode at home and was dreading the drive home back here. It's going to be a busy semester, me thinks - some hardcore studying will be done. Tomorrow I have to figure out what course I'll pick up for this term, because i'm missing HALF a non-kin course... soo I'm debating about sociology or cultural studies. I've heard that soc is similar to psych, and that it's doable if you do your shit and do well on some essays? Oh well. I don't know anything about the cultural studies, but that's plan b if soc falls through. Depends on the availability of them both, soo.. cross your fingers for me.

I think that about sums up my exciting life as of now. Once I get back into the groove of school, I'll make the attempt to post more often, although they'll probably be rants - just to warn you.

2004-12-15T20:19:00.000-08:00

I'm not really sure what's going on, but it seems that I have this reoccuring tightening in my chest. I go to take a deep, slow breath and I just can't because.. it's like my lungs are tight. It's like I have a cold in my chest that comes and goes. And when I cough, it hurts.

Accompanying that, I get pain around my heart area (heart burn?) and I have a really weird feeling around the xiphoid process. I've had that before really bad and have had to puke (yeah I know, I'm getting descriptive) from it.

Pretty weird eh? I'm hoping it's just stress, or an ulcer, which may be a result of stress.

2004-12-11T21:34:00.000-08:00

Haven't made the best attempt to keep this thing updated, and I've been harassed to update this bitch, so here we go people. I'm letting it loose tonight!

Finals are literally here - still find it how quickly the semester went by. I can safely say I call Waterloo "my little home" now; made a few great friends, shared some good laughs/jokes all around. The girls tend to come to me in groups - 3 or 4 at a time, and we have these rants about the shit that's bothering us, or to catch up on some gossip. It's cool, except for the fact that my neat bed (which uh, I make religiously every day) gets messy :P

Anyway, back to finals. Well.. I tell you. This is new shit to me - I've never felt like such a number as I did tonight: OK, imagine this: You're sitting in a gymnasium (about 4x as big as QE's gym, not even joking) with desks in rows across the room. The seating is arragned one course alternating with another, so it's WS100/PS286 etc. Oh. My. God. It was hard getting started first at this mother of a test; I was so overwhelmed by the people around me, the surroudnings, afraid the people watching me would come to me and say that I was doing something wrong. Ahhh.. but I am counting on getting a B or C- in womens studies. Not that I really care, but it's my elective.. and it was supposed to bring my average up.. but hey, it happens I guess. Next few exams are on monday (badminton! which I have to ace cuz I didn't improve much on our "skill ladder".. heh, gulp), and saturday by around 11am -- which would be Kin. Oh well.

Emotions these days are all over the place. Sometimes I'll randomly cry at night and won't stop until the wee hours of the morning.. other times I'll be fine. I'm disappointed in how I've turned out, physically.. which doesn't help me when I'm trying to look for clothes :P So I was at shoppers the other day and gave in to Slim Fast (but to warn those of you, never buy the strawberry stuff.. it's hard to take). I also am figuring this out: if I eat lots of rabit food and exercise more, I'll lose lots before christmas and new years, which I plan on dressing up a bit and showing off a better body. Seriously. That's how it's going to work.

Personally, I find it hard to be around certain friends who have a supposide amazing body and they don't have to do a thing to keep it that way. It doesn't help that their ignorant boyfriend is always like " Oh you have the perfect body! You have no tummy! You have perfect tits! You have a perfectly shaped ass!". It irritates me - everything about having the body does. I often wonder if I'm attractive enough for Dave, for people, for myself. Sometimes I think that I could do much better with myself, or that I'm often not good enough for what Dave deserves.. but that's being shallow, and I don't consider myself shallow.

Weird how it goes eh? I hate that I have abnormally large hips with an abnormally large frame. Plus, my skin is just freaking out right now, and I don't know why. I can't seem to get rid of enough of it. And my hair colour is fading/dry/still multi coloured which yes, yes, is my own fault. But even when I'm not even naked I'm like.. pleh. Who would want to see this naked.
And in regards to the random crying.. it has to do with that. I'll look in the mirror at night and start to cry for hours. I have no control over it, no matter how hard I try.

Pleh...

Hopefully during the break I'll give myself a break and just enjoy the holidays with everyone. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, would you?

2004-11-25T14:23:00.000-08:00

"Wake up and face me, don’t play dead cause maybe
Someday I’ll walk away and say, “You fucking disappoint me!”
Maybe you’re better off this way"

- A Perfect Circle, " Passive"

2004-11-23T21:53:00.000-08:00

As much as I love Laurier and all the friends I've made here, I have come to the conclusion that profs like to fuck you over in first year by making you read worthless-shit*ahembio* and then realise later on that oh! The term is almost done - time for a last minute scramble!

It's safe for me to say that I'm beat, owned, dogtired, you name it. I am in great loathing of exams and school right now with everything that's going on.. and to boot (b00t! haha), I'm not sleeping much.

In fact, I SHOULD be sleeping now because I have a full day of studying tomorrow, er, today I mean. Buuuuuut no. Of course not.

I'm hoping bio's going to go well. I know about half of the shit now, so if I study the remaining half I should be fine. Then it's the kin article. Then it's the psych exam AND bio lab exam. Plus reading. Plus exercising (What exercising? where's the time to exercise?).

Again, I give up.

2004-11-16T20:30:00.000-08:00

Okay, seriously.. I am hearing Skaters right outside my window cursing at their mistakes and falling to the ground. I either close my window or I bitch at them. Who honestly SKATE BOARDS at 11:30 at night? You would think that they wouldn't have as good a perception of distance and whatnot when it's pitch black out?

Unfortunately, I am too lazy to either, I just hope they shut the hell up.

2004-11-14T20:41:00.000-08:00

HOLY SHIT GUYS.

I just opened my email to hear from my childhood best friend (and still is, technically) Katarina.. with the heading "GREAT NEWS!!!"

As I proceeded to read down the very brief letter, it read "I have some very exciting news for you all! James and I ARE ENGAGED. He proposed to me on November 12th, got down on his knees properly and asked my dad in advance.. I hope you are all happy for me!"

Holy shit, I'm speechless...

2004-11-11T18:03:00.000-08:00

I really don't feel good about this. I get the impression that nobody likes me around here.. it's as if I'm a disease. They all have their cliques and little preppy groups who seem to have endless amounts of money to blow.. but I don't. I don't have fake ID, so I can't go out much. I can't dance. I'm not single, so I'm not so determined to check out all the "hot guys" at the club. It's almost as if people around here ignore me..

So instead I study. And I'm getting tired of studying. That's all I'm doing these days, and it's tough.. and even if I suggest to a bunch of girls that we see a movie, they give me an excuse and then up doing something later with other people anyway, so I give up. I wave my white flag.

Blah, feeling kinda lonely..

2004-11-10T19:12:00.000-08:00

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You know who you are..

2004-10-27T18:58:00.000-07:00

I should be doing work now.. but today's been an exceptionally lazy, slack, boring, slow day. So no. I haven't accomplished much today, other than chatting, cleaning my room, eating, and sleeping. Kinda nice after midterms though, which I very much hope went well.

I'm getting kinda bored about always being at school.. this is lame, but I haven't gone out with any of the people from my floor. I must be antisocial or something, but I don't think I am.. anyway, I think what's holding me back is the fact that alot of them are of age/have fake IDs so they can get into everything. It's really been bothering me lately because I am so damn close to being of age and yet.. so far. Argh..

Don't have many plans for the weekend. Tomorrow's a busy day with class 8:30-9:50, 10-11:50, lunch, then PREP at 1:00, working on a bio lab at 3:00, and then meeting with my feminist class at 6:30. The majority of my floor is going to 'Elements' which is apparently a "really cool scene" but I beg to differ. I can't dance worth shit, I don't have the right clothing, and... I can't dance. Haha.. so I'm thinking i'll convince those who aren't going to come and see a movie with me at Galaxy. Possibly that new American comedy thing, looks interesting anyway. The grudge is freaky as hell!!! Defanitely not seeing that without Dave. Speaking of the devil, he's coming up saturday evening! WOOHOOOO! I am very excited, even though I saw him last week and was under the assumption that I wouldn't see him for a good month :P

I'm thinking that I need a new name for this blog, but I lack creativity. Any ideas as to what I can name it?

Hmm. I should probably get some work done eh? Homework.. or DQ. homework.. or DQ!!!!!!

DQ it is. Oh baby.

2004-10-21T14:35:00.000-07:00

Haven't' been feeling well lately. Probably due to lack of sleep and hungriness, lots of headaches. Actually, it's probably the stress hitting me..

I feel like my friends at home are growing farther away from me, and I can honestly say that I am almost hesitant to ask them if they want to do something. I live a very different life now, and they do too... it's just weird.

This weekend is going to involve a great amount of reading, studying, and cramming. So much shit to do, so little time... we'll see how my time management goes.

2004-10-18T14:23:00.000-07:00

Holy moly! It has been far too long.

Unfortunately for me, my stupid laptop has been broken for the past 2 er 3 weeks.. so I am suffering some major computer lackage, but the girls on my floor are cool enough with me using them, even if they're right behind me sleeping!

I hope everyone is well and happy. I sure had a great weekend - saw Dave, got PIZZA.. oh man. But then yesterday came around just as I was getting started on studying (I slacked this weekend, and rightfully so) and then the fucking fire alarm went off... and so my entire building was standing outside in the cold and rain for atleast an hour until we went into the Science Building. There, we proceeded to wait another hour before anyone would let us in. As it turned out, some guy on the 7th floor decided to hang whatever up on the sprinkler in his room (And how he got that up there, that's beyond me..) but yeah. It set the alarms off... and now the elevators don't work and 2 or 3 rooms on the 7th floor were FLOODED with about 8,000 tons on water (something along those lines, anyway). Yeah, good times.

I'm not stressing too much about midterms.. cuz I don't have many. Only "tests" in psych and bio, and midterms in volleyball and sociocultural shiyat. Yepyep, not too bad. I was looking at my finals too, and it looks like I'll be done on the 22nd or so.. how much does that suck? A lot, I say!

Maybe it's just me, but I wonder if anybody else is getting sick of the caf food. I mean, it's alright.. once in a while. Ergo, I eat lots of eggs, yogurt, V8S and peaches! The results are amazing.

I am thinking, though, that I should probably crack open the books to get a head start on my week. Going to PREP thingy for pscyh on wednesday, gotta study for a bio test this wed.. and all that fancy/fun stuff. Psych tonight should be long... ungggh, I've had such a long day.

2004-09-18T19:26:00.000-07:00

It's been a pretty busy week, just getting used to my classes and all. I managed to switch out of the "hard" bio and into the easier one, which is almost identical to my gr 12 bio class, but that's defanitely fine with me. Most of my classes are in the early am (ie, 8 or 8:30), but I don't mind having the rest of the day off. So far, I think I'm off to a good start at the whole university life. Ive gotten used to my little room; it's becoming more homey. Caf food is still a little sketchy at some points.. for this reason I am not eating nearly as much as I used to, which is fine.. because it is resulting in weightloss, and that's key, heh. I love my classes so far - psych, bio, womens studies (it's alright, I probably should have picked a different elective, but aww well), and volleyball. I guarentee that by the end of the fall term, I will come back to Boring-ville and be in amazing shape - both physically and mentally :D muahhaha

Although at the same time.. I feel weird. I feel different. I am no longer the girl who depended on mommy and daddy to go and get groceries for me. I have to do that myself now. I have to clean my own bathroom (i'm so spoiled, it's terrible). You know.. i'm actually doing stuff on my own now.. which is different, but I'm starting to like it. I can almost see myself not liking going back home.. because for probably 90% of the time, I will be living on my own, free to do what I want, whenever I want. Being back home will force me under curfews (though I'm hoping otherwise becaues I'll be 18.. ), more rules, etc. I don't know. I'm home next weekend, and the weekend after that (which just so *ahem* is my birthday weekend, for those who are interested...), so we will see what happens then. I'm kinda looking forward to it though. Res is fun and everything, but I'd like to sleep in a bed that is actually a bed and not a mattress on wood, ya know?

Saw Davey this weekend.. and it had been about time! haha geez! I hadn't seen him in a good 2 weeks.. and I really missed his company during the week. We're so used to talking on the phone for endless hours a night, or just hanging out at each others humble homes doing nothing in particular. Although he didn't say as long as he'd liked, we still had a good time.. I can't wait to see him next week.

Hmmm.. what else is there to talk about here? I will have to clean my room (again) since I got s'more cleaning stuff. My bathroom mate won't clean it, and the cleaning people only come in once every 3 weeks I think? That's nasty. I'm cleaning it.

Oh well, time for some dishes, cheerios, then off to bed. Maybe some tv. I remain indecisive.

2004-09-12T09:47:00.000-07:00

Does anybody feel this way?
Does anybody feel like I do?

2004-09-10T06:47:00.000-07:00

Well well well. Frosh week is almost done - thank god. To be honest, it's almost as if I've gone back to being a 10 year old kid attending camp - singing songs and cheers, clapping hands, playing gay little "get to know each other games " and such. I understand that this week has been planned for us to get more comfortable with our surroundings, but it's a little too much. We've been having to go to "Color Team Meetings" every morning at 9, but the average time everyone gets to sleep is around 2... sooo yeah. Not enough sleep for a lot of us, which is why, at 9:50am, I am writing this (playin' hookie).

Tomorrow is something called Shinerama. It's been a yearly tradition for Laurier to go out into the community and raise money for CF by washing cars, windows, and shining heads. I'm surprisingly looking forward to it, because I get to go off campus for a bit :P haha, that might not be a good thing.

Oh it was so weird yesterday! We were in the AC for another team meeting, and at one point a bunch of girls from my res presented a 100 dollar bill to the audience, which in turn, made them go nuts. But in all of the excitment, the bleachers (which are normally secure at this time), started to shift back - starting from the very front (where I was sitting). I thought it was somebody moving it manually or something. Anyway, the bleachers moved back so I got off of it, thinking it was weird. It then came right back out but very quickly went back in! About 5 people got pretty hurt because their feet got literally squished in the middle of the bleachers. It was kinda scary. Me and other people tried to move the bleaches away so they wouldn't be in so much pain... but the stupid thing wouldn't budge. Damn. Anyway, in the end, nobody was seriously hurt - but all of them went to the hospital just in case. I guess the university is liable or something. We later figured that somebody had (somehow) switched something on the bleacher so that it would go back or something. Weird eh? That was kinda freaky. It made us late for our movie night too, which pissed us off. Additionally, while people were being looked after by ERT, our breakers tried to get us to sing and clap our hands. They were trying so hard, but couldn't they see that we were tired of always singing and shit? Man..

Anyway, plans for today... hmm..I'd like to do some laundry before school starts. I also have to go buy s'more books, but only under 200 bucks worth - my debit card has a max of 200, so I can't pull out more than that amount per day. Even when I tried to bump it up over the phone, I have to physically go to my mother bank place and do all the signing there. SOOO annoying. I think my books are costing me well over 400... oh god. I can see major debt quickly approaching.

Oh yeah, and there's a BBQ tonight at one of my breakers' houses. I'm tired of BBQs though (the food they've given us hasn't been very good,.. in fact, the majority of the food has been nasty). There's also the talen show tonight, which might be good, because last night when we were trying to amuse ourselves while waiting for a bus, we witnessed people do some pretty crazy talent. I dunno, I guess we'll see.

2004-09-08T18:27:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to let you all know that I am still alive and awesome.
I've made it guys! I'm actually at University! It's so different, but so cool. Having a good time, more or less.
Tomorrow I'm playing volleyball at some waterpark place with the guys/girls, should be a good time. I still have a lot of unpacking/reorganizing to do, but that's fine. It's what it's all about.

Other then that, I am hungry.. and have to go get my shreddies. Can't live without 'em.

2004-08-29T21:59:00.000-07:00

Well, this is it. Last week at home before school starts.
Thoughts for today:
-I seriously don't want to work tomorrow. I have worked enough, but my last days are tomorrow and wednesday, so it's not too bad..
-SHIT. I have to buy my books or else me = skrewed
- I need to go to the gym more often

That is all. Good night.

2004-08-23T22:51:00.000-07:00

I appologise for not keeping this goddamned blog alive. For some reason, a few weeks ago, it would not let me sign in, no matter how many times I tried. So there's my excuse, I hope you like it.

Summer is just about over.. and it's depressing. I've given my 2-weeks for work, and I will no longer have to deal with stupid customers at Tims as of Sept 1st. So that's kind of exciting, I guess.

However! Going to the cottage (I mean, THE cottage) is muchos more exciting. I came back last week from a 5-day trip away from Oakville in what's considered Burleigh falls (the town) and Big Cedar Lake. I won't even start to explain just how awesome it was.. because we did absolutely NOTHING.. but please refer to my previous blog on the cottage if interested. I can't wait to go up next year.

School school school. Lots on my mind these days. I've just ordered my laptop, gotten some supplies.. namely, a telephone.. hehe.. and am really just counting down the days. I would say I am defanitely excited, but I have a bit of a knot in my stomach just thinking about it. It's going to take a little adjustment on my part, but I can do it.

Anyway, I just saw Exorcist: The Beginning tonight with Tiltoid.. and on a scale of 1-10, I would give it about an 8 or so because I thought it was really well done. Needless to say, I was holding onto Dave's arms because I am a chicken.

Oh well.

2004-07-28T10:08:00.000-07:00

So I found out what res I'm staying in today: King Street Res. From what Mitzel's said, it's kinda away from everything/everybody.. but that's fine. It'll be a good hike to get to class, but I can stay in the building and what not, then walk home. That's not too bad.. and, I am across the street from the Athletic Building. I like that part.

I will be living by myself; unfortunately, I can't change that. So hopefully.. my friendly attitude will help me make some friends so that I don't feel so alone all the time. Blah. I have a feeling it's going to be a litttle hard to get used to.

Wow.. a little more than a month to go...

2004-07-27T19:31:00.000-07:00

Goddamned all you egotistical, caustic people. I am in a prissy mode, don't mess with the best.

2004-07-20T17:19:00.000-07:00

When I think about a younger girl and an older guy going out, I assume there is a very small age difference. 2-3 years, if that. Take Dave and I - I'm turning 18, he's turning 20. Not too big of a deal, right?

Well, my little cousin Rebecca.. who is ONLY 13, is apparently "dating" a fuckin 33 yr old pot dealer. THIRTY FUCKING THREE. This is absolutely ridiculous. The guy doesn't work, doesn't drive, doesn't have any manners or morale, and is a retard if he can't see that what he is doing is wrong. My guess, along with my parents, is that she is subserviant to him for sexual service. " Rebecca, give me a blow job... I really need a blow job right now" and I guarentee that she will go down. Good. God.

What I don't understand is what the parents are thinking. Not that the family is in great shape.. the mother, my aunt, smokes none stop all day, is anorexic because all she does is smoke, has told the children to keep quiet so when you ask them what they're up to they reply a blank "nothing" and tears them down. She is always critisicing them, telling them they have no friends, they aren't allowed to go anywhere, or have any fun. They aren't even going on a family vacation this year. In fact, I don't think they have EVER been anywhere as a family. To boot, she is a slut. She has not been faithful.

My uncle isn't too great a person either. He travels all the time on those huge transportation trucks. He is an alcoholic and swears at his children. He never kisses or does anything to my aunt..but not that she talks to him much either. If and when he comes home, he ignors the fact that there is no family life there. There is nothing.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE FUCKEN PARENTS!!! Oh my GOD!! If i were to date a 33 yr old, my parents would kill me and kick me out for the stupidity. Plus, they would charge the guy. That's illegal.. and it's worse with a 13yr old. She isn't even at the age of consent yet and he's just horny. No way man, no way.

I wish I could do something to help that family. Anything. I want to just report the 33 guy, get counselling for everyone, and have them start fresh.. but I, or I should say my parents, have the risk of losing the "relationship" with that family for good if that happens. But they're all blind about it, that's the thing. As if they don't care.

I guess what i'm trying to rant about in this blog is that it takes many to make the world turn. There are those with different morals that you may not see at the beginning, but see it elevate as time goes on. However, if we get involved in other peoples problems, you have to finish dealing with it; turning your back on it may hide you from the problems, but it won't solve it. I now appreciate how healthy and happy my family life may be, regardless of the odd fight.

I am spoiled with good moral. I hope I pass it on to my kids once I start a family.

2004-07-19T10:03:00.000-07:00

I think it's going to be a good day today. The sun's out, I haven't had a shower, and now.. I am eating.... PEACHES! oh baby.

I enjoyed myself this past weekend. Regardless of the fact that it was a little uncomfortable at times and I really really wished my air mattress didn't let nearly all the air out.. it was good. I haven't been camping in years, so the trip to Bronte was refreshing.

Unfortunately, I got home and called Patty boy to see what is up (wad UP NIIIIII!!!! - man, you're going to make me say that all time now). Anyway, he asks me if I'd heard what happened to David (from my work). This guy, who is 14.. died. On thursday. Cause? I do not know, but am curious to find out. Anyway, I later learned that he was diabetic and had died in his sleep (my guess is that he went into a diabetic coma for a very short time, so his sugars went sky high and his body maybe shut down)... or it was suicide. I would hate to think that... well, needless to say, I was in a little bit of shock. I worked with him last weekend and I've driven him home before, too. Poor little guy. For now though, I'm debating on going to the viewing or not.. it's open casket, but I didn't work with him that much or knew him THAT well... but I don't know. Bummer, eh?

So last night I had Pat, Lindz, Leanne and Colin over to watch Rat Race and have a few drinks. Good times. Except now I have to clean up my basement from the mess that we've made.. oh well.

Plans for today are still being considered. I SHOULD go and work off all the extra alcoholic calories consumed in the past 48 hours... but not yet. Maybe later. Probably alround 2 o'clock or so when I actually wake up...

I don't work till SATURDAY people.. at 6am. Ouch. I guess work is skrewing me over for not working this past weekend. Oh well. I should book off the cottage time too, or else I might not be able to get it at all.. but shit, I'm going to come back from the cottage and have to give my two weeks notice afterwards! Ha HAH!

2004-07-15T16:16:00.000-07:00

" Just because you're going camping doesn't give you the right to sleep with him "
"Okay... "
"Besides, if you're not feeling the greatest, why bother?"
*shrug*
"Don't let pride get in the way of your sickness"

(whatever)

2004-07-14T14:21:00.001-07:00

What that freakin.... freakin!!

Every time something important comes up, I get sick or have womanly issues to tend to (ahem). Last year at the cottage I was on it. For my formal, I was on it.

Except now I think i've got the flu, or some bug that's fucken with me.. last night I was up from oh... 2am to about 5:40 with an upset stomach and headache. I've had a sore stomach all day today in addition to achy muscles, sleepiness and general weakness. Working off very little sleep is hard.. man, I need some gravol to knock me out...

Action to be taken: Rest! Fluid! Sleep! (and of course, chicken soup, but I'm really not hungry..)

If I am not bette by friday night.. I don't know man. I don't know.

My conclusion is I suck.. orrr I atleast have the worst. luck. ever.

2004-07-14T14:21:00.000-07:00

2004-07-07T10:10:00.000-07:00

FALL 2004:

Monday: Volleyball - 8-9:50am
Bio lecture - 10:30-11:50am
Intro womens studies - 12:30-2:20
Intro womens studies (2) - 2:30-3:20
Intro to Psych - 7-9:50pm
(that's my death day)

Tuesday: Socio-cultural aspects of Physical Activity - 8:30-9:50am
Badminton - 10-11:50am

Wednesday: Volleyball - 8-9:50am
Bio lecture - 10:30-11:20

Thursday: Sociocultural aspects - 8:30-9:50am
Badminton - 10-11:50

Friday: Bio lecture - 10:30-11:20
Bio lab - 11:30-2:20

suck that, bitches!

WINTER 2005:

Monday: Aquatics 8-9:50
Bio lecture - 10:30-11:20

Tuesday: Biodynamic Aspects of Physical Activity - 8:30-9:50
Aerobics - 10-11:50

Wednesday: Aquatics - 8-9:50
Bio lecture - 10:30-11:20

Thursday: Biodynamic Aspects - 8:30-9:50
Aerobics - 10-11:50

Friday: Bio lecture - 10:30-11:20
Bio lab - 11:30-2:20

Not. Too. Shabby.

2004-07-05T07:59:00.000-07:00

So summer continues to pass my quickly; so far, so good.

I've really been enjoying my time off, spending time doing little (girly) things I have neglected, seeing Dave and my friends as much as I can, and hanging out with my little sister a bit more. I would say it's good.

Unfortunately, work SUCKS. I got stuck working three 8-hour shifts in a row. Blah. Oh well. Today's the last of those days and then I have 4 days off.. not too shabby... but then its 7 hours sat and more again on sunday... hu-zZAH.

I'm cnfused on what to do about camping. Its a perfect weekend except for the fact that a) i have to look after my sister and b)take care of my stupid dog. I've offered to pay for a kennel and suggested for my sister to spend the night at somebody's house... but I'm really hoping that something good will turn out. I didn't get to come camping with everybody last year, so this is not going to stop me from coming this year.

Might I add... I sprained my finger at work so I am writing this with a finger splint. It's harder than it sounds.. so much editing has been done.

Other then that I guess, at the moment I'm quite tired. My parents turned the AC off last night.. so NATURALLY.. it got muggy in my room. Blah. Now I have a headaceh (I am just full of complaints).

More to come..

2004-06-29T18:20:00.000-07:00

SIMPLE QUESTIONS:
1. Full name: Cassie
2. Eye Color: Light blue
3. Height: 5'11''
5. Hair: Gross and red/blonde
6. Siblings: Emazoid
7. Do u like to sing in the shower: Depends on what I've previously listened to, but not usually
8. Do u like to sing? Not really, i have a bad voice.
9. Birthday: Sept
10. Sign: Meza libra!
11. Address: your mom
12. Sex: female.
13. Right or Left: right.
14.What do you want in a relationship most? happiness
15. Have you ever cheated? nein.
17. Do you have a car? not my own, but i drive mummy's and daddy's :D
18. What kinda car do you want? Any one that works and will get me from A to B.

FAVOURITES QUESTIONS:
19. Movie? hahaaaaaaa... i don't know
20. Song? too hard
21. Animal? Kittis
22. TV Show? Simpsons, Whos line is it anyway
23. Actor: Umm... crowe
24. Actress: ...
25. Food: grilled chicken with caesar salad
26. Number/s: 14, 29
27. Cartoon: The bugs bunny and tweety show
28. Disney Character: Bambi
29. Colour: blooo

LOVE LIFE ETC:
30. Do you plan on having kids? yeah
31. Where do you plan on having kids? where?? in the hospital i would hope
32. What will be the name of your firstborn? Depends on how I feel at that moments. That's how I was named, apparently..
33. How old do you wanna be when you are married? Umm... mid to late 20s. Not too early.
34. Would you have kids before marriage? I would hope not.
35. Do u have a b/f or g/f? Si, si.
36. How long have you been dating? Lets see... it's 2 years on August 21st, sooo... a year and 10 months? Woah..
37. Do you have a crush: Davey :P

EITHER-OR (PICK WHICH ONE YOU PREFER)
38. Music/TV: music.
39. Guys/Girls: guys, i get along with them better.
40. Green/Blue: blooo
41. Pink/Purple: pink, i guess.
42. Summer/Winter: Summer, it's nice and warm warm warm..
43. Night/Day: night - creature of the night sometimes!
44. Hangin Out/Chillin: Nono.. it's chillaxin yo
45. Dopey/Funny: Funny

SIMPLE QUESTIONS:
46. You know I'm around when you hear: Me laughing so hard you just look at me and say "she's nuts"
47. What school do u go to? None at the moment, going to Laurier in Sept.. b00t
48. Are you on MSN? yes
49. What's a major turn on for you? Ummm... shoulders and eyes... ohhh man
50. How far would you go on a first date? nothing too rushed, maybe to the point of holding hands. I don't know what that's considered though in terms of bases.

FRIENDS:
51. Most blonde: Linds
52. Nicest: dave
53. Funniest: duncan dougnuts
54. Tallest: that would me Miko
55. Best personality: Davey
56. Which 5 people do you trust and are open with the most? Hmm Dave, Pat, Linds, Kat, maria
59. What was the last thing you cried over or got teary about? to be honest i can't remember
60. What's something about guys/girls you don't get: you know what.. guys are funny creatures. like, i love em i guess.. but they do strange things sometimes which I will never understand. I dunno.
61. Whats the best thing you have ever heard? To the world you may be one person, to the one person you may be the world.
62. What's an object you can't live without? makeup... me without makeup = scary
64. Silver or gold: silver
65. Diamond or pearl: diamond
65. Sunset or sunrise: sunset
66. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? hahaha nein
67. Do you have any piercings? Aye - cartilage, 4 normal, naval.
68. What colour underwear are you wearing? haha... bloo
69. What song are u listening to right now? Greenday - Brain Stew
70: What’s the last 4 digits of your home phone? ---
71. Where would you want to go on your honeymoon? Like... Australia or someplace
72. Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with? Davey, he's my soulmate.
73. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Mmmm smile, eyes, shoulders... ohhh and soft arms now.
74. Favorite sport? soccer
75. What makes you happy? cuddling, making jokes and not having to worry at how goofy you appear
76. Do u wear contacts or glasses? Glasses but only for distance.
77. What's the best advice given to you? Shit happens. Deal with it.
78. Have you ever won any special awards? mvp on soccer teams, thats about it.
79. What are your future goals? graduate, become a phys ed teacher/therapist for the leafs!
80. Worst sickness u ever had? Pneumonia... so gross.
81. Do you like Funny or Scary movies better? Scary
82. On the phone or in person? In person, much easier to talk with other people that way and actually see if they're paying attention.
83. Hugs or kisses? Kisses. Hugs. both, goddamnit!
84. What song seems to reflect you the most? goooood question...
85. If you died tomorrow who would you leave everything you own to? my parents
86. Do u have any enemies? ... do i?
87. What would you like to do to your enemies? make them think that i'm awesome somehow..
88. Would you rather be rich or famous? rich.
89. What time is it in New York now? don't know and frankly, dont' care.
91. Have you met Santa? of course.
92. If E.T. knocked on your door holding up a peace sign and asked you to use your phone what would you do? uhhh... let him use the phone.
93. When did you last talk to the person that you like? tonight
94. Do u have any pets? Buttons, my chien-chien that is so very stupid.
95. Who do you like right now? Dave.
96. Last time you were depressed? Depressed? Seriously depressed?... a few months ago
97. Are you an alcoholic? I don't consider myself one..
98. Who sent this to you? Lisa
99. What do you think of this person? she's super duper
100. Do u want your friends to write back? nein, this is just to kill time and keep this blog alive.

2004-06-28T13:35:00.000-07:00

Cuz it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

2004-06-22T19:04:00.000-07:00

AHHHHH.

So highschool is done. Very strange feeling... but I'm glad it's over and done with. Time for new challenges.

Tomorrow I'm seeing Aleks and Chantel at the skydome with Davey.. we're gunna watch the Jays play in the cheapest seats possible. But it's worth it.

Let the summer fun begin!

2004-06-16T12:48:00.000-07:00

While I feel pretty relieved that all of my high school learning is done, it was almost too much for me to take today. My 100+ peers and I stood around the senior locker bay, singing to Vitamin C's Graduation song, and signing our names on the wall that will be looked at by others for years to come. It was one of those really special moments that I'll never forget.

Today has been burnt into my memory. Who knew that 5 years of QE would pass so quickly.

2004-06-11T10:49:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, sorry it's been so long.

As I'm sure most of you are already aware of, I have a very routine/hectic schedule on a daily basis, so I haven't gotten around to posting all that much. Not that anybody cares... but..

Wow, I have 3 days left of highschool. Just three. That's.. scary, man. Where have the 5 years gone? (I've been at QE since grade 7, and my, how I've grown). It's kinda exciting though, and very sad at the same time. And scary. It's like, yes, Okay! I'm ready to leave now... but it's become so familiar to me to do the same thing everyday and see the same people that I'm almost a little worried about how it's gunna be next year when I'm on my own. I'm sure I will make friends though, and it's comforting to know that some people from my school are going to Laurier for September.

Anyway, sooo... I guess I should talk a little about my formal, huh? Strange that it was held on June the 3rd in the MIDDLE of the week (thursday), but I guess the Student Council did their best. It was held at Le Royal Meridian King Edward in downtown Toronto. Oh my lord. It was ridiculously nice - as in, movie stars have stayed there.

I made the big mistake of going to school that day. I did shit all and was almost late for my stupid hair appointment because my kin. teacher needed to talk with me. Anyway, I get my hair done right.. and the lady there is like "Oh, I don't want to do what it looks like in the picture.. you need something else". So I'm like o-kay, whatever, play with my hair, baby.. and so they do it, and, quite personally, it looked like SHIT. To make things worse, I only got hom around 3:15 and everybody was arriving att 4:00. Yeah, it was quite the rush, and seeing as how I'm a girl and take forever to get ready... I have to salute myself for my speediness that day. Oh, the hours of standing in front of a mirror and applying makeup have really paid off ;)

The limo picked myself and 9 other people up at 4:45 to head out. We had our pictures taken, coursages/boudenirs distributed; everyone looked like a million bucks. The ride there was so damn smooth - leather seats, tv/radio, bar, trippy lights, you name it. Our driver was awesome too - he even took us to fucking Tim Hortons (where 4 of us in the group work) and we said hi to some supervisors :) haha you crazy kids make me laugh.

The hotel, as I said, was amazing. Like.. in the bathrooms, they had SOFAS for us to sit on. Oh baby. We ate dinner in the same place that we danced, which was find... it was really quite elegant to be in. Great environment too - everyone was laughin, smiling, hugging, and taking pictures. I wish I had gotten more, but I was dependant on dave's digi camera pour les photos.

Dinner - which consisted of chicken, special potatoes, veges, salad, and strawberry shortcake for dessert - was over by around 8:30 when we proceeded to watch the "Seniors Video" and distribute these goofy awards that the student council made us vote for. Fun stuff. Dancing was another story, too. I wasn't all that kneen on the music the DJ (a guy at our school) played, but I tried to shake my white ass around anyway. Decent times. I got to dance with the beau too for the first time, so that was another kodak moment. Awww.

The evening concluded at 12:00, but we left around 11:55 to avoid the big rush for limos after. We got back to my place around 12:30 and got changed to go to the after party at Grivitus' house.

Oh man. The party was great. I defanitely enjoyed myself, and I hope that everyone else did as well. I have NEVER stayed up that long/late. Okay: i was awake 6:30 on thursday and only went to bed at 7:00am on friday :P Ouch. I looked like shit, and felt like shit, but that was fine. The highlight of my night was laughing at Pat and Linds for being so drunk and stupid (Pat moreso). He came up to me and showed me two pacakges of condoms and, in his intoxicated state, asked me "Which one do you think is better?"

"Pat!! You're so dumb"
"No I'm not."
"And what are you going to use that for my dear?"
"Nothing... I swear to god nothing".

Hhahaha... *in goes Pat with lindsay in the bathroom. 10 minutes later both emerge with a drunken/post orgasmic smile on their faces*.

Another funny part was around... 5:30 or so I was like okay, i'm done and was about 99% asleep when I felt a thump near my. At this point, I was lying in a little room where we had put our sleeping bags/pillows/booze. I personally thought it was Dave, but it was Mike the host who passed out. Heh. Poor guy. I appreciated him hosting all of us there, though. Can't wait for commencement :D:D:D:D

Nextly... got to Pats house to sleep over at around 7:00am, asleep in a matter of seconds. I slept with Dave on a little mat/pillows, but it was nice. Got to wake up with him right beside me.. so that was great :). Unfortunately, we both were hungry/hot/uncomfortable so we didn't get that much sleep, but we managed to get atleast 6 hours, which is decent. We all got up around 1:30 minus Pat, the lightweight, who looked/felt like shit. Ate an awesome breakfast a la Hitch family and continued to chill until about 4:00pm, where Dave and I went home. Man oh man. What an eventful couple of days.

Needless to say... I don't think I'll be staying up that late again for a little while. But it was memorable, anyway.

Hmmm.. so I guess that's about it. I have my 2 exams on June 21st (Kines. is 2.5 hours at 8 FUCKING 30 AM, and food + nutrition at 12:30). Meh. It's doable, I just wish kin wasn't so damn long.. I have to start studying for those soon.

Okay, so I'll try and post more often once time permits.

2004-05-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

Mmmmk, so.. it's been a little while. But that's fine. Nothing huge has happend lately.

Oh my, so much shit to do in the next few weeks.. formal, organizing the limo, commencement, applying to res/more scholarships.. ahh. so crazy. I'll be glad when this is all over and can start a new life, although I'm a little scared at what might happend with Davey and I. Nonetheless, we're tight like brothers (heheh) so I'm sure everything will be fine.

Sitll haven't been getting along with my dad. He continues to embarass me and make me feel like dirt-shit if I don't do something.

On a more serious note.. I was drunk last night. Yes, that's right. Me. Drunk... nobody (of my friends) have seen me drunk before, let alone DRINK anything, so I think they were pretty surprized.. hmm. Well, although I felt pretty relaxed for the first little while, I eventually couldn't feel my feet, or my lips, and the room just sort of molded together.. so that was kinda scary/a strange feeling. I know I should have stopped myself and gained some control, but really... I think i needed a breather from life just a few minutes.

This is weird, though. It's almost as if I'm going through a deja view of my past, but it isn't really "my" past, if you follow. It's more of a past that I hated following, and then it changed, and healed, and became well again. Have I entered into the same sort of cycle? I'm thinking that I'm in the same position of somebody a few years ago and know exactly what they're feeling like... strange. Anyway.

Yyyyyeah. I'm pretty tired - just back from a long shift of 2-10. Blah, stupid work. Stupid fuckin customers too! I have so much hate for the world after working at Timmies.

2004-05-04T04:43:00.000-07:00

And Laurier is my final decision.

2004-05-01T10:09:00.000-07:00

Had a talk today.. felt good to get it out, as awquard as it was talking about it. I hope I'm getting better at communicating things... whether they be bad/good, it doesn't matter. I'm actually finding it a little easier to spill my mind, which I guess is a working progress... ahh well.

2004-04-30T20:19:00.000-07:00

For the first time in a really long time tonight... I felt nothing. I couldn't speak my mind. I couldn't believe what I just heard. Above all, in that very moment, I fell. I kept on thinking to myself to just fuckin speak up already, what have you got to lose? But, I stopped myself, as obvious at it may have seemed, and wished a good night.

2004-04-19T17:53:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm, I can't say that there's been mucho going on around here, although the highlights include:
1)Buying my formal dress! *does a dance* and my god, I look awesome... it's a darkish blue, pisghetti straps, gems on the top, long, and can be tightened on the sides. It's quite classy/simple/elegant, but I like it...umm..
2)Bumping my average up to an 83.3%, 3.3% better than last semester. Win. Scholarships, here I come.
3)Fixing my hair. I finally decided to fix this damn head of hair; it was half brown and half natural. Anyway, I've put auburn and blonde streaks in it, so it's a working progress.

2004-04-11T20:00:00.000-07:00

I should be asleep... but no.

2004-04-05T20:12:00.000-07:00

Hot damn guys... I've been accepted to all three universities: Brock, Laurier, and Windsor. I've gotten 2 scholarships from Windsor (totally $2000) and one from Brock with i think comes to $1,550. Anyway, every little bit helps... but holy crap. I have until I think June sometime to decide where I'm going. Laurier's at the top of my list for now, but I'll have to think about the other ones.

Anyway, just thought I'd mention that. I'm slightly nervous/excited... but I'm more tired than anything right now.

2004-03-19T09:24:00.000-08:00

SO... wtf am I doing wrong?

2004-03-18T20:08:00.000-08:00

I guess like everybody else, we all have our insecurities.

Yesterday I had a vivid image of what mine was, and that is that I'm not good enough.

I don't know why I felt this way for such a short time, but for a split second, I felt...unsure. I felt this weird power pushing on my chest, and I had a little trouble to breathe.

But then it was gone when he smiled and reassured me with a kiss.

I'm not having relationship problems or anything - I'm happy. I'm very happy. I have grown up, learned, and loved so much within the past year that I don't even think I know specific reasons why I love Dave... I just do.

Maybe it's just me...? I don't know. Like I've mentioned many times before, I'm just a crazy kid.

2004-03-08T14:11:00.000-08:00

Let's see... what to post about.

Well, I haven't heard from any schools yet about acceptance or not - the stuff that I HAVE gotten is all the same: "We are delighted that you are interested in studying ____________ at _____________. Please stay informed for the next couple of months. Please visit our campus on this date to meet faculty, staff and students so that you may learn more about the program of your interest". I hope to hear from somebody sometime during this month; it's so aggrevating just waiting for the Yes!/No! answer.

I'm super super tired, probably close to the insommnia level. School's been insanely busy - haven't had a moment to myself in far too long. I really hope that once March break starts up (thank GOD it's on friday), then I'll be able to relax a little and catch up on some sleep. In combination of studying for tests/quizes every other day, assignments handed out on a daily basis, homework, and working, I am running thin. I just need a night to sit back, have a drink (I have learned that alcohol relieves muscle pain, so i'm up for that), and watch a movie.. do my nails, wear fuzzy clothes all day, etc. I think I'm handling all the stresses pretty well though - my time management skills are being tested, I suppose. Aw well.

I heard back from one of the scholarships that I applied to, this "All about Canada" quiz. The quiz itself was pathetic - it was 50 questions, multiple choice, and they give you links with the answers but you just have to find the right one. Anyway, the moral of the story is that the higher mark you got, the higher your chances of getting the scholarship was. Knowing my luck, I got a 96% on that thing, so I didn't even qualify for a minor scholarship. What the fuck, eh?

Another scholarship I have to finish is the diabetes one. I've got all my letters of recommendation, the resume, the summary forms, and the picture... I have yet to finish an essay on "What Life Would Be Like Without Diabetes". Guys, I'm telling you, I've never had to expand such a simple concept (of easy) so much. I've done a page so far, and I think that's the max I'll do. That one's worth $2,500.. I stand a pretty good chance, based on what they look it.

What else is there to say..

My hair's getting annoying. I dyed it back in November I think? and it's still brown!! It was supposed to wash out by 12-24 washes, but if my calculations are correct, that would have been a long time ago! Gaahh! Plus, I have split ends all over the place, and my hair is getting long and scruffy looking. Ugh. Anyway, I got a hold of my hair dresser, and he said the only way to get rid of it was to A) chop it off, or B)add streaks to it. HMM. I maybe have 2 inches of my real hair at my roots, and the rest is brown.. I 'aint cutting this head of hair, and the last thing I want to do is add more color to it. I've probably fried my hair out for life. Anyway, I've learned not to dye my hair by myself again.. biggest mistake ever. I actually prefer my color now, too, so I guess that's cool.

I have a friend who is... weird. The man has liked me since before I can remember (and for whatever reason).. and now he's planning and talking about fucking his new one-month girlfriend (I think he said this friday or something). I can't stand guys who bring up the entire conversation as if it were a casual thing, or that he's proud of it. Sure, the guy's a desperate fuck, but I really think it's indecent to bring up such a topic with his friends. Personally, I think he's rubbing it in people's faces who haven't done it that it's going to make him so much better than him. It doesn't bother me really, it's a personal problem with him. I don't even think he likes her that much.... I pity her; I don't think it's going to last much longer than after he takes her virginity. Poor girl.

I also have another friend (yes, really, I do!) who has a problem.. and it is an eating disorder. I've seen her struggle for 3 years now, and I've tried helping her, but I got to a point the other day where I just wanted to yell and pound what I'm feeling (and everyone else, for that matter) into her little head. This girl comes up to me and doesn't even say hi. She mumbles "You're so tall and skinny. I should lose 10 pounds so I can look like you". Deep down, I'm very flattered, but I can see her pain. So I always tell her, "Okay, demonstrate exactly where you need to lose the pounds" and put my arms on her shoulders. She doesn't see that she's an awesome girl with great features - she just sees herself as being fat. I know where she's coming from, I know what it's like.. but it's gotten to a point where that's ALL she talks about with me, and that's ALL she talks about in general.

"What are ya doing tonight" (tonight meaning friday night)
"I'm going to the gym"
"Oh, cuz I wanted to see if you wanted to come see a movie tonight"
"No, I'll be too tired"

And then the shit that I get thrown after is something like "I never see you guys anymore cuz you don't call me!" and I feel like staring at her with a blunt expressiong, "You always have a better excuse". I've seen her do push ups at a party because she thinks she can lose some weight there. I've seen her stand in front of a mirror and suck in her stomach as much as she possibly can. I have no will to even try and help her even more - it's no good. I've tried and I've been supportive of her in telling her that she's great the way she is, and that guys DON'T SOLELY JUDGE YOU ON YOUR LOOKS (unless they're pulling off a Christian), and that we all love her as friends!! GRAAAAAAH!!! *that felt good*

Okie, done blogging it up. Hope everyone's doing well!

2004-02-29T08:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I worked from 2pm in the afternoon until 3am this morning; got asked to do extra because the night shift person couldn't come. Meaning, for 13 hours, I was on my feet serving gazillions of coffee to the most annoying people in Oakville for that much longer.

So..I was home around 3:15, had a snack, in bed by around 3:40, asleep by about 3:41.

For every extra night hour I worked, I made a grand "bonus" of 0.25 extra per hour..

Never again. Tired body makes Cassie very irritable.

2004-02-26T13:35:00.000-08:00

Just typing all this shit out of my head to make sure I know it for tomorrow :)

Okay, so...

-Sternocleidomastoid originates at the clavicle and the manubrium (of the sternum), inserts at the mastoid process, and it's function is to allow the head to rotate, the neck to flex, and the head to flex from side to side
-Splenius originates at the upper thoracic vertebrae, inserts at the base of the occipital bone, and allows neck flexion and head rotation
-Biceps brachii originate at the coracoid process, insert at the radial tuberosty, and allow the arm to flex
-Triceps brachii originate at the spine of the scapule, insert at the upper part of the ulna (the olecronon process = elbow) and allows extension of the arm
-Deltoid originates at the acromion process (where clavicle and scapula articulate), the distal end end of the clavicle, and the spine of the scapula, inserts at the tibial tuberosity, abducts the arm as well as rotates the arm and shoulder
-Pectoralis majo originates at clavicle, external obliques, and the first 6 ribs of the sternum, inserts at the intertubercular grove on the anterior side of the humerus, allows adduction and assists with rotation of the arm
-Rectus abdominus originates at the symphysis pubus, inserts at the xiphoid process and the lower ribs, allows trunk flexion
-Latissimus Dorsi originates at the the lumbar and lower thoracic vertebrae, inset at the intertubercular groove inferior the pecs and allows extension and abduction of the arm
-Trapezius is inferior to the lat. dor, it originates at the base of the occipital bone and all thoracic vertebrae, inserts at the acromion process, the spine of the scapula, and the clavicle, and allows you to elevate/depress your shoulders

(almost done)

-Gastrocnemius is your calf muscle, originates at the medial and lateral condyles of the femur, inserts at the calcaneal tendon, allows plantar flexion
-Tibialis anterior originates on the anterior shate of the tibia, inserts at the base of the cuneiform and first metatarsal, allows dorsi flexion
-Quads contain 4 different muscle: 1)Rectus femoris - originates on anterior inferior ilia spine,
2)Vastus medialis originates on medial aspect of linea aspera
3)Vastus lateralis originates on linea aspera and the greater trochanter
4)Vastus intermedius originates on the anterior shaft of the femur
All of them insert at the tibial tuberosty, and all allow knee extension... BUT... rectus femoris also allows hip flexion.
-Erector spinae muscles allow trunk extension, found all along the thoracic and lumbar vertebrae
-Iliopsoas muscles originate at inner surface of ilium from the first 5 lumbar vertebrae, insert at the lesser trochanter, and allow hip flexion
-Gluteus maximus originates on crest of ilium, sacrum, and coccyx, inserts at posterior aspect of the greater trochanter, allows thigh extension and external rotation

And finally..

The hamstring muscles ----
1) Biceps femoris inserts into head of fibula
2)Semi Membranosus inserts at posterior aspect of medial tibial condyle
3)Semitendinosus inserts at proximal part of tibia below medial condyle

All of them originate at the ischial tubersoty
All of the flex the knee, extends hip, and rotatation.

*Hot damn, she's good.*

2004-02-23T18:47:00.000-08:00

Is anybody else as frusterated as I am right now? OH MY GOD.

I have a ridiculous amount of work due within the next couple of weeks. Not to mention that I have tests to complete (AND do well on because mid-terms are coming up soon), and I work fucking 16 hours on a weekend (for example, this coming weekend i work 2-10 saturday and 8-4 on sunday, hence, work, sleep, work again, die). I don't know. I'm going insane.

Additionally, I have had about 20 hours of sleep - maybe - in the past couple of days. I have been doing homework until 9, 10, 11 o'clock at night and studying in between there. I have had no fun this past weekend, minus seeing the beau for about... 2 hours.

See where i'm coming from?

Oh, and for this new curriculum... FUCK YOU!!! I am learning anatomy shit that my Mom didn't even learn until 2nd year of college. What are you guys going to leave us for post-secondary learning?

2004-02-18T18:57:00.000-08:00

Just thought I'd keep this blog alive :D

2nd semester seems to be a little better than last, so so far, so good. I'm finding math a BITCH because my teacher doesn't teach us anything - literally. When we ask for help, her reply is along the lines of "I don't want to take up that question.. thanks for droppin' by! NEXT!!?". You can probably understand the frustration that a weak person in math like me is currently dealing with. Oh well. I am a surviver, I guess, and I'll work hard. My anatomy class so far is.. surprisingly hard. We're working on the skeletal system now, and working our way towards the musclular one. That one is going to be the death of me, I can tell you that much. Other then that, my food class? SUPER EASY. Today, for example, we watched my teacher make bread.. and then we ate it. It's sweet. As for gym, well, it's fun :)

I'm started to get a little anxious about acceptance letters. A friend of mine, Shelby, has already gotten early acceptance to Waterloo for some Drama thing. The average may not be as high, but for the ones that I applied to, I think I have a pretty good chance. I know that Windsor's Kinetcs average is 77, and I managed to barely make an 80 last semester. *sigh*.

Most of you will probably laugh at me for this, but I'm starting up work again... at Tims. Seeing as how I've already worked at one, it was very simple to get in, so I guess we'll see how this one goes. It's the one on Third line, the double drive-thru. I'm not really nervous about it though - I'm actually looking forward to it. I'll be working with 3 of my best friends so it'll make the day go by much more quickly. I'm also looking forward to having a little pocket money, rather than being a poor bastard and always having other people pay for me. I like to have a little independance, ya know?

Family life is as good as it'll get. I tried talking with my dad the other day about why we never seem to get along.. but that didn't really prove any success. It was really hard not saying "You do this because you you you... " so, hehe, instead I said something along the lines of "I feel ____ when you.... etc". Unfortunately, that didn't run long...

My mom's been caught in the middle of all this, and as much as I appreciate her not sticking to either sides, I also feel bad about dragging her down. I've tried multiple times talking with my dad, but we end up in this loud argument and end up not talking with each other for days.

Personally, I don't like him very much. I don't see him as the loving dad that's pretty typical in most families, but that's partially due to the fact that he's been away almost every day of my life. And, because his job is so demanding, he comes home grumpy, with a headache, and annoyed at my existance (or so I see). It's just weird, I guess. To me, he's the guy who makes the main bread in the house who comes home every once in a while, does some laundry, has some drinks with my mom, then snores SO FREAKING LOUD.

Although I know that the guy loves me as a father would normally love a daughter, I also think he's annoyed at me. I probably play my music too loud, or wear my clothes too tight, or I date the wrong guy. Either way, I feel like he finds a way to critisize me or other people in my life, which ultimately annoys me, I yell back trying to defend myself, and there ya go.. back to not talking again.

Gah

Anyway, on a HAPPIER note.. I'm still playing soccer once a week, staying active, working hard, etc.

I hope everyone's well and everything is just peachy.

2004-02-01T19:18:00.000-08:00

If I had some interestings things to say, I'd really post it and make this whole blog thing worth while reading. Unfortunately, my life is very predictable and I have no exciting news to share.. oh well. Maybe tomorrow I'll have something to say.

2004-01-29T12:16:00.000-08:00

I'm scared.

2004-01-25T09:24:00.000-08:00

Well, bio's done (thank GOD). It actually didn't go that bad, although my god, I've never written an essay that fast. I hope I did okay... I could use a higher mark in that class.. but anyway, it's done.

Tomorrow I have psych. Not really scared about it because her tests are jokes, so why will her exam be hard? I don't know, I know the theories and I'm familiar with all the terms.. it should be a breeze.

Unfortunately, I'm having anxiety attacks about chem. Last night in bed I felt my heart pounding through my chest. Although I tried inhaling and exhaling slowly and calmly, I could feel the beat pulsating all over my body. It was so annoying. I lay on my side and I could hear my heart beating. Bah, fuckin school.

As of tuesday at around 10:30am, that's the end of my semester... finally! I have the rest of the week off to do absolutely nothing, which is going to be great. Hopefully my friends will figure out something fun to do during that time.

One thing I really don't understand guys.. why would you pierce your dick? I have a friend who's pierced his 4 freakin times. He's like "Oh no, it didn't hurt really.. it's just like any other piercing"... but immediately after he said that, he mentioned getting an PA. oh my god. That made me just curl up in digust. Another thing that really revolted me was my mom telling me (for whatever reason) about after-birth and how they have to sew you up on the inside and outside... um.... ouch!!! Man, I'm never having kids. No way people are sewing up my special area.

Ugggh?!

2004-01-22T19:27:00.000-08:00

Okay, checklist for the bio exam tomorrow:

Biochemistry: Enzymes, inhibition, allosteric regulation, functional groups, the 1st and 2nd law of thermodynamics and how they relate to living organisms

Cellular respiration - Glycolysis, pyruvate oxidation, the Kreb's Cycle, the Electron Transport Chain, chemiosmosis, substrate-level phosphorylation, oxidative phosphorlylation, mitochondria

Photosynthesis - the light and dark reactions, where they occur, photoexcitation, photosystems, cholorplast diagram structure and function, C3/C4/CAM plants

Molecular genetics - structure of DNA, nucleotides, DNA replication, transcription, translation, post-transcriptional modificatios, Trp/Lac operon, how chromosomes are formed, mutations, biotechnology and its applications, RNA, tRNA, mRNA, rRNA

Evolution - Hardy Weinburg principle, stablizing/directional/disruptive selection, sympatric and allopatric speciation, modes of prezygotic and postzygotic isolating mechanisms, cladograms and claudistics, Theory of Gradualism, Theory of Punctuated Equilibrium, phylogeny

Homeostasis - structures and function of the kidney, the nephron, urine formation, ADH, neg/pos feedback, Diabetes Mellitus + Iinsipidus, kidney stones, Steroid and Protein hormones, follicular development, adrenal medulla, adrenal cortex, short and long-term stress response

The Nervous and Immune System- structuer and function of a neuron, Synaptic transmission, action potential, depolarization/repolarization, refractory period, reflex arc, sympathetic/parasympathetic nervous system, macrophages, 1st and 2nd line of defence, generalized immune response, allergies, rods and cones and equilibrium

ESSAY QUESTION!! Describe how Restriction Fragment Lenth Polymorphism analysis is used in forensic investigations and within the medical field

For a grand total of.... 128 marks. GEE BUS.

2004-01-18T18:27:00.000-08:00

In all frankness, I don't know about the rest of my chem class, but oh boy.. I am jumping for joy when chem is done. And biology, for that matter. Oh.. and let us not forget psych.

I've got a little less than 6 days till my bio exam, which I'm expecting will be pretty challenging and a lot of memorization.. psych should be easy... but chem isn't going to look very good on my transcript. Aw well.

Here we go. Last 2 days of chemistry... Ever!!

2004-01-11T09:14:00.000-08:00

I've never had a good, close girl friend. Minus the fact that I have a lot of girls who are acquaintances, I don't have anybody to share my secrets with, or any friend to do makeovers with, watch sappy love movies, or go shopping with. Most of the time, if I go shopping, I go with my mom, who is the closest of a girl friend that I have.

Today I was supposed to have Lindsay, Maria, Ashley, and Julie over to do some Pilates. I had asked them this past week if they wanted to get together and do some pilates just for fun. They all said sure. They all sounded excited.

Well... Lindsay cancelled for no good reason, Julie had "homework" to do (which she COULD have done yesterday, but no, exercising is much more important), Ashley never replied, and I was under the assumption that Maria could come. I had asked them to be here at 11:00 or so, just because the tape that we would be exercising to would be aboug an hour.

It is now 12:15, and nobody showed up.

I really don't know what to say, other then the fact that I am so very longing for a girl friend. Somebody, ya know? I've tried getting people together in hopes of having a good"girl" time, doing "girl" things in a "girl" environment. This isn't the first time I've been turned down. People always seem to have a better excuse on why they can't come, even though they say they want to.

Maybe it's me, though. Mabye I have bad timing, or I can't properly communicate with people. I did, though, email them. I did, though, talk with them multiple times. And my god, I did fucking try. Nobody does that anymore. People just don't care.

So, I don't know. Why do I even bother, then? I always get the same reply "I'm sorry!!! We'll do it another time, it's just that I'm so blah blah blah cuz I'm doing blah blah blah so I can't.. ". And for when the next time I ask them, I get the same thing the day or night before. It's always the fucking same. I'm so fucking sick of it.

I wish I could just have a girl friend to make stupid jokes with, make fun of guys, paint our nails together.. but I quit. I guess that's why I get along so well with guys. I don't have any girl friends. Man, girls can be so mean sometimes without even fucking realising it. Bitches.

Does that make me a bitch? Maybe. I probably sound like one right now, but I don't care. Like, I hate to say it, but some of them are such sick pieces of shit, concentrated in their own little worlds and come up with shitty excuses, and beyond all of that, are too fucking selfish to realise that they're hurting my feelings.

Fuck. Just... holy fuck.

2004-01-05T18:33:00.000-08:00

This is sort of a re-rant post. I'm sorry. Don't hurt me.

I just got a call from my coach for indoor soccer. She sounds nice. My first game is this thursday at 5:30, and in all frankness, I cannot wait.

I've been playing soccer since I was 5. Everytime I got on the field, the adrenaline rush that came over me when I would be racing against these aggresive girls for the ball was just... oh man. It was great.

Last summer was my first year playing rep. I've played houseleague all the other countless years, and from what I can remember, it was a ton of fun. Now that I think about it, I wish I had done rep a little earlier so that I could have made a better impression on my coaches Rudy and Carlos.

So, Burlington BOCA. The name itself sounded gay, but I thought I'd give it a try-out, since I'd already been cut from Oakville (the bastards let me train/practice/play with them for a month!!!!). Anywhoo, I went to the park in Burlington where I went to practice with their team. I was the only Oakville player there; an outcast, and of course, friendless.

I got accepted, though, which really surprized me. I was nowhere as good as the girls I was training with, but I was in the best of shape. Throughout the first couple of weeks, we trained atleast 6 hours a week (if not more) and did a lot of conditioning. My god. I have never run so much in my entire life.

Moving along came the games. We played against a number of different teams and in their respective cities... Waterloo, Etobiko (sp?), Brampton, etc. It took a lot of hard work, but my team came in 1st in our division - "B" rep, which is just premier, but we'd move up to Elite and play harder teams.

The moral of this post is to say that my coach never played me. I remember one time going to a game in Kitchener, and my dad and I had travelled for an hour, gotten to the field early and everything. My coach, Rudy, didn't play me. At all. The next time we had a game, he maybe played me 5 minutes of the game and then immediatly took me off. I couldn't fucking understand it, man. This continued on for the rest of the summer, where the rest of my team mates who EQUALLY attended practices as me got to play for most if not the whole game, and me less than 1%. This was extremely discouraging. My confidence and love for the game began to fall, and I started to hate soccer.

To make it worse, I'm a defence man. I kick with my left foot, which is very uncommon. I have long legs and I can cover a lot of distance.

He put me right forward. Go figure.

My god, I just wanted to yell at him and tell him how he was acting like chicken shit. Why wasn't he playing me in the position that I tried out for? Was I not good enough? What was I doing wrong? I never got a straight answer out of him, it was always something vague like " Honey, once you experience the rep level, you understand why I no play you" (oh, btw, Rudy is Mexican and his english is horrible). Don't get me wrong, though. The guy still loved soccer. I could defanitely see that.

Heh, I remember, too, playing for an away team and Rudy had called up 5 call ups to play that night. What was ridiculous was that he played the call ups before me. That, my friends, was a kick in the gooch, and huge insult. I cried all the way home. I wanted to kill him.

....

A few weeks ago there was a team party being held in Burlington. We got together at Emma's Backporch, and I, in all Cassie frankess, politely asked if there would be an indoor team. The reply that I got?

" Well... ummm... you see.. we aren't really sure now, honey.... we've made a lot of decisions... umm... yeahhh... we've sorta already have a team".

Well, there's a kick in the gooch again. See what I mean? I got treated like shit from this guy and he never gave me a goddamned good reason why.

Finally, a few days ago I got an email from Carlos, my other coach, stating when the summer tryouts were. By this point, I hated these guys and felt that I wouldn't receive anything except shit if I played for them and the BOCA team. I wrote back thanking them for their info and alla that, but that I wouldnl't be playing with them. Enough's enough. I can only take so much fucking crap from people before I just say, you know what? The HELL with this.

So, this is why I'm looking forward to thursday. It's going to be at the Dome sports complex, at 5:30. I'm playing house-league, with other houseleague players who just want to play soccer and have some fun. Isn't that what it's supposed to be about?

2004-01-02T20:57:00.000-08:00

First off, I'd like to thank everyone for making New Years (eve) of 2003 a blast. I've never been surrounded my such loving and caring people - the atmosphere itself blew me away. I was really pleased to see people laughing, hugging because they hadn't seen each other in months, the guys doing their handshakes, and smiling. Although I wish I could have been celebrating the new year with my high school friends, the party was great, and I hope everyone else had as much fun as I did.

Want to know something really sad? That was the first big "party" I've been to... ever. Unfortunately, I didn't know my sdrinking limits beforehand - I had only 3 smirnoff ice and I was all like... wavy. It was a really weird feeling. I couldn't keep my eyes on Dave directly, my balance was a little off, and the sounds of everyones voices just sorta blended together into one big sound. Yeash. I admit to sounding like a total goof... but is that what you consider buzzed? It wore off after about 30 minutes. I wasn't sure.

Anyway, all in all, good times.

I don't have any huge or specific new years resolutions. I'd like to become a better individual, though. To narrow that down, I'd like to do better in school, in sports, and in my attitude. I'd like to actually like myself someday for being the big girl that I see mself as. I'd also like to become a bit more independant - I'd like my parents to realise and understand that I'm not young anymore, so I plan on taking some serious steps in the year. Going to university and living on my own will be the big one, but I'm talking something else.. though I'm not quite sure what that will be. Heh, I have yet to learn how to do laundry properly :P I am off to a great start already.

What did I remember most about 2003... hmmm...

Well, last new years was pretty funny. I'd gotten some booze from a friend of a friend, and unfortunatlely, I got caught - I had put a mickey of vodka in my sleeping bag, and just as I was taking it out of the van, the bottle rolls down and falls to the pavement, ultimately making a 'cllink!' sound and catching my mom's attention. Needless to say, I got caught. And, nonetheless, we all thought we were skrewed for booze, though it all turned out okay, we eventually found some cheap beer and drank some of that, but it wasn't that good. I remember looking at the clock and muttering, "Umm, guys.. it's 12:01. We just missed new years..". Geez.

January was one of those busy time of the years again. I remember studying like a mad-man for my exams. Chemistry was the last one - and was the hardest. I thought to myself "That's it! No more chemistry for Cassie!". But um, no.

I think it was a few days before Valentine's day, Dave and I broke up. That was a pretty stressful and hard month for me too - it was probably the most emotional time I've ever had to deal with. I bonded really well with my girlfriends though - they always reassured me with their hugs and words of repetative wisdom on how STUPID guys are sometimes (sorry boys).

In March, I remember going to a party where both exes were. That was weird, too... I brought Ashley to keep my company. Actually, that was a nothing month. Nothing really new or exciting went on then.

As April came along, I got back together with Davey around Easter. I remember going on the bus thinking about what kind of bj (er, booster juice) I should get, though my nerves dominated over my hunger.

In May... soccer season started, and I remember trying out for the Oakville Thunder. They cut me after about a month of me training, practicing and playing with them. Those bastards. I would have liked to play for my own city, but that's their own problem ;)

June was of course, the last month of the school year. It was a busy one, too - exams, things to worry about. I wrote my grade 12 english exam - the devil lasted 13 pages long and I made up my thesis within the last 5 minutes. I'm a charmer (I like that quote from Bob). Later on, I went to the mother cottage with Dave and his family for 9 days I think it was. Man, if you ever want paradise, go there, I'm telling you.

July consisted of me playing soccer atleast 6 hours a week, maybe more. I swam a lot, went out a lot, just relaxed. How I love summer. And what's better - I didn't work! - hah! - although I got a little bored and, um, broke once in a while.

In August, the big thing was Dave and I celebrating our 1-year anniversary. I was so proud that day. To this day, I still am. He gave me a heart-shaped diamond necklace and I an ID bracelet with "Cass *heart* (in symbol form) Dave". Oh man. With the rest of his jewelery, the guy is bling-blinged.

September meant school. And school meant work. I became busy with Biology, Chemistry, and Psych. By the way guys... have I mentioned that I LOATHE CHEMISTRY? Well, I do. I just thought I'd mention that.

Anyway, in October I got my G2! Yeeheee! That was all to be said of that month.

And in closing, December was filled with Semi formal, Senior Skit, my mom's birthday, about 3 christmas/"holiday" dinners, and New Years.

So now it's 2004. It's going to take me a while to remember to write a 4 instead of a 3 on my paper, but I'm sure with time it'll come. Happy New Year, everyone! Lets make this year a good one!

2003-12-29T06:57:00.000-08:00

I'm a little scared about what tomorrow will bring. Or the next day. Or the day after. I'm afraid I'm going to witness something that's gunna force me to think very differently, though I'm trying to keep what it is out of my head by keeping myself preoccupied. But no. I still really wonder about what it really means.. how will I react? Slide into an entirely new perspective to which my socialization skills drop? That I don't smile anymore? Maybe I'll just leave. Yes, that has to be it. Just leave: if you don't like it, escape it. I want to escape it. I'm still so worried that what I'm about to see... will really hurt. Again, though I'm trying to push down those feelings and concentrate on what's good, the tension in my stomach is slowly building. I feel sick. I wish I could say more, but I just can't.

I'm so selfish. But then again, maybe I just care too much.

2003-12-27T21:35:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh... dudes, I am loving this life. I've been going to bed late, getting up late, and having a reeeeelaxing morning/afternoon, not to mention quite a few hockey games that have been watched as well as some skating here and there. Frankly, I'm getting too used to it that I think it will backfire once January 5th sneaks up. Ugh. I'm dreading that morning.

Anywho, I think I'll continue to enjoy this break for now. I've got a family dinner thing on monday to pig out on, and we can't forget New Years. I'm hopeful that it'll be more memorable than mine last year.

Take care everybody!

2003-12-20T08:19:00.000-08:00

My god. The time has FINALLY come.. I get 2 weeks to rest, relax, and revive myself from a strenuous week at school. Man, it feels good.

2003-12-18T12:43:00.000-08:00

I have been having the weirdest dreams. I'll just make a few pointers on a few of them.

Last night, I dreamed about that guy from scary movie (the guy in the mask and dark suit). I dreamed I was at my cousins house with Dave, and I had parked my van outside. We were about to go swimming in her pool, but all of a sudden, all the lights turned off, and I felt this cold air fill the house. I said something like "Oh my god... it's happening", and Dave was all confused. Then I remember seeing the guy in the mask, but in stick figure, and scarier. I started panicking and yelled out "GET IN THE VAN, QUICK!!!", so we run into the van, but Dave's carrying something heavy, or something. I start to move the van out of the driveway, and I see this stick thing chasing after me. Dave's trying to load whatever he was carrying into the van, and then he can't get in, for some reason. He yells "Go!! Get out of here!", slams the door and I stat gunning it. But this creature is catching up on me, faster and faster.. and then I end up in a ditch somewhere for a few days.. and then I find out that my cousin's house had been burnrt down, and that Dave was missing.

Yeah, I dunno. I woke up in a sweat after that and I couldn't get back to sleep.

The other day, I dreamed that my parents were ridiculously strict in that they didn't want me to have a belly button ring anymore. I remember doing something like crying and pleaing for them to let me keep it, but they were furious, and said that the only way I was going to be successful in life was to remove my lower half of my body. I remember me dad grabbing me and tying me to this weird table in the middle of nowhere, and my mom taking out all of her nursing stuff and starting to measure where to cut me.

That's all I remember from that one.

Another one includes me sitting in a lecture at some university, sitting beside these two really, really big guys and them looking down my shirt. One of them asks me for a pen, so I'm like sure whatever... and I can't find any. Apparently, we cause a riot and the prof starts yelling at me. For whatever reason, he took me up the board and asked me to do all these calculus questions because I didn't have a pen, or something. I remember saying something like " I thought I signed up for a course that DIDN'T require calculus" and he just insisted that I work until my hands were dead.

That was sort of lighter then the other ones, I guess. I dunno. I dream alot. I wonder what they mean...

2003-12-16T18:03:00.000-08:00

Yeah, so... I don't really have much to say.

Much as I've already previously talked about, this week is hectic as HELL. I've already done a chemistry test (positive I failed), a bio lab exam (not too bad)... tomorrow it's bio test on urine formation (of all things), and a chem lab exam both tomorrow and thursday. I also have to hand in a write up of articles, do 2 more labs in bio on thursday/friday, and do a minor project in psych on "how the media reflects aging in later years". It's almost as if the teachers all of a sudden realised, "Hey! We have to finish up the stuff that we didn't do beforehand in a span of 1 week! Haha!", while we, the students, die.

Stupid life. I'll be glad when it's all over.

2003-12-13T06:16:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling a little aggrevated. Right when I feel like I'm confident in all aspects, I drop. I just drop. I feel inadequate, and it's as if my whole body shrinks and that everyone else is at a completely higher level.; they're stronger and much happier. My heart falls, too. I break down, and I just give up... giving me the reason to work harder to achieve something - what it is, your guess is as good as mine. Maybe I'm just not good enough. Yes, that might be the reason... What's worse is that this is my way of expression. This blog is like my 2nd diary; I share my private thoughts out to the world and it is free to judge me and come to its own conclusions. I feel like I am naked, cold, exposed and seeking shelter.

It's almost as if I have no grounds. It's like I bullshit a lot of things, twist them around, and then the negative thoughts and feelings spill out slowly. Eventually, my mind gets too busy to think about this shit and I shrug it off and move on. Maybe iti's just a hormonal thing, who's to know. But whatever. I realise I'm not making a lot of sense.. don't bother trying to understand my own thoughts. I'm still trying to sort out mine. God fucking damnit.

2003-12-10T12:25:00.000-08:00

I jump to conclusions way too fast... damnit.

2003-12-07T19:52:00.000-08:00

Aw man, it's already December.. where has time gone?

Yeah, um.... what is going on for new years??

p.s. GO LEAFS GO.

2003-12-03T19:05:00.000-08:00

It's safe for me to say that... good god. This has been one of the busiest weeks ever. Call me a nerd, but I need to talk about school to get it out of my chest. Honest to god, I am having *dreams* about school, because once I snuggle under my covers, I automatically start to think about what I did wrong in the homework, reviewing what I memorized, etc. Guh.

Anyway, this week in chem we started this huge pre-lab exam thing. In the end it'll only be worth about 5%, but right now it's at like 20%. Last time I checked my mark, I was getting a 74. Not too bad, I guess. I could do better, but I HATE chemistry. Technically, I don't have to really try though, because it's defanitly not going to be one of my highest 6 marks, but I'm too proud to just not try, ya know? I want to sort of do well in that class, because anything below a 70 makes me freak out.. but shmeh.

Okay, so this lab. It basically involves solubility equilibrium, which for those of you who don't know, it's basically on how well different compounds can dissolve, the precipitates they can form when pipetted, etc. I dunno. That's in a nutshell.

My partner, Maria, and I aren't good at chem. Every single day at 2nd period we go to Study Skills and attempt to figure out these whacked up equations and provide logical reasoning behind them. Half of the time, we just sit, stare, and mutter "I dunno" a lot, cuz... it's hard, man.

As a part of this lab, we had do some calculations (which we surprizingly finished) and the actual lab part plus all the other lab shit. It's due tomorrow, so yesterday we thought we could do the lab in class today and be good for time.

Ahhh... no. Apparently not. Our teacher was like "No, I'm not taking out any more silver acetate. You'll have to get the answers from another group".

From here on, it's just frusterating. We worked on this stupid lab after school and all through this evening... unfortunatly, Maria accidently took the masses I got off another guy, so I didn't have any info to work from. So I hopped in the piss-pot and got my notes.. stupid lab.

I hate labs. It'll be interesting how we do.

Tomorrow I'll be in school by 7:45, and.. holy fuck, that's early. We'll work on it then, and in a little of 1st, and all throughout 2nd period.. I'll be glad when this is done. It's time for a break.

I don't have any amazing plans for this weekend, but I'd like to make some. So if there's anything going on with anyone (and are so kind enough to invite me), I'd love to do something.

Until then, it is time for my mind to sleep.

Night everyone!

2003-11-30T10:19:00.000-08:00

I've come to the conclusion that you don't need to spend all the money in the world to have a great time with somebody. Sometimes, all you have to do is talk with them and listen to what they're saying. So simple, but so great.

2003-11-29T08:33:00.000-08:00

*knot in stomach*
*tension building*
*unsure*...

2003-11-26T19:36:00.000-08:00

*phew*. I don't know. Things are insane around here.

I'd talk about something interesting, but as most of you know, I run a pretty boring/routinely life.

I have so much work to do... hence, Cassie's goal for the next few weeks:

1) Pass the bio test on friday - Molecular Genetics. tear.
2) Keep up with this goddam chemistry... every time I walk out of that class I am happy. honestly.
3) Do the rough copy of my psych essay: 7-10 pages long, double space - on a topic I randomly picked.
4) Do my research thingy on telomeres and.... the other thingymabobber
5) Start applying to university! Oh boy.

This outta be interesting.

And now, i take my nice, hot, bubble bath. Mmmm...

2003-11-21T12:39:00.000-08:00

*sigh*

Anyone interested in driving around Oakville helping to pick out 48,000 bags of food with me?

You know you want to.

2003-11-20T13:28:00.000-08:00

Alright... so I'm feeling pretty frusterated today. After school, I headed over to the change rooms where I proceeded to change for volleyball practice. That's right, I'm trying out this year just for the hell of it...well, sorta. Anyway, the jist of this paragraph reflects my inner frusteration. I can't play volleyball for shit, atleast that's what I think. It aggrevates me that some people are better than me and have really good skills. I'm still athletic I guess, but I feel as if I should punish myself and hence push myself even harder to do better at it. The team list goes up tomorrow, and unfortunatly, I'm missing it because I'm driving up to Windsor. Nonetheless....

I NEED TO GET INVOLVED. Scholarship applications are right around the corner, and I haven't been involved in anything, really - minus the cross country, to which I only went to one meet and a few practices due to illness.

Fuck.

I NEED TO GET INVOLVED... somehow. If I make this team - which I highly doubt, but that'd be great - then I'll have to start more volunteer work or something, because so far throughout highschool, I really haven't dong anything significant. I haven't won any awards except for highest mark in the class or whatever, but this year is especially important. I'm keeping my grades up by the countless hours of brain mushing, exercise-sacrificing homework, and it's defanitly paying off... but if I want to get the Diabetes Scholarship (worth almost $2000, believe it or not), I NEED TO GET INVOLVED.

Damnit. The thing is: When do I have the time?

*proceeds to look up upcoming soccer and/or volunteering oppertunities*

2003-11-16T20:35:00.000-08:00

Damned hormones. I feel as if I have 3 different voices in my head, and I don't know which one to follow.

2003-11-16T09:40:00.000-08:00

Alright... so... fuck. I have so much work to do.

Things on my mind this week:
1)Passing the chem test on tuesday - all about Enthalpies
2)Keeping up with the seemingly endless chapters on Transcription and Translation in Bio
3)Finishing the 7 assignments a day early for psych
4)Working on the essay that is due in 2 weeks, worth about 15%
5)Grad photos
6)Collecting articles on gene findings
7)Going to Windsor friday + saturday

And... maintaining my sanity.

Good. God......

Why do I feel excluded from fun?

2003-11-09T11:03:00.000-08:00

In typical Cass fashion, I am going to rant. So, yeah. Here we go.

I went up to Laurier on friday with my mom, and it was defanitly worth the visit. We got there around 12:30 or so and immediatly started the tour. With that, I had the chance to talk with some of the students who are in their 1st/2nd whatever year of Kinesiology and Phys ed, the program I'm really interested in. Apparently, as one girl told me, it's a lot of fun - you get to play sports like soccer or volleybal - and you get marked on it. WOOT. I love gym - it'd be a perfect course... unfortunatly, that's the easy part of it. Bumping into good old' Mitzel proved me that I had a lot of memorization to do in psychology and biology, which I guess isn't bad. But geez. Anywho, the rest of the tour was great. I really like the intramurals (sp?) and facilities - really really cool. The residences are nice, too - I especially liked the all girls one dorm style (forget the name, but it was near Mitzel's appartment). I'm curious as to what it's like living in your own, so to speak. I'm anxious/nervous/excited about it. Oh yeah, and I like the environment about it - all the trees and grass and stuff. I don't know, I like nature... it gives the whole area a more cozy and established finish to it. So we'll have to see.

Last night was... interesting. I had Dave over for dinner, and then Pat called me up and asked if I wanted to do anything. Originally, it was just going to be Dave and I watching the game together, but we reluctantly decided to head over to Pat's to join the rest of the crew. Anyway, we got there fine, watched the leafs kick ass, then went to Tims. This is where the story gets... ridiculously stupid.

Will, who so graciously decided to drive onto private property, got his car stuck in the ground. The area around him was right in front of the lake, and so the weight of his 1.5 ton car on a squishy ground disabled the chance of them actually getting out. Holy... at first when I was following him, I drove a little past the rocks near the entrance when Dave suggested that I not do it - it was illegal, and if I got caught, I would be in deep shit. So with that, I put the van in reverse and backed my ass out of there.

I was turning in a nearby court area when Pat and Ryan come up to the drivers window. "Will got his car stuck, we can't get the car out". Holy fuck, troops. This was a beautiful day to kick Will's ass. Pat and Ryan asked Dave if he could help.. I felt horrible at this point, because this was the one day where I was with both my boyfriend AND my seemingly "cool" friends, and... well... fuck.

Anyway, Dave goes over and I park in a nearby parking lot. Leanne and I walk, er, run over to the scene where we see the guys trying to push this stupid Hyundai away from the Lake. Wow. I try and pitch in by helping to push on the sides and suggest ideas, but it was no use. This stupid car in which Will had drove it was completely fucked. We were fucked. With all of 7 people's strength, we grit our teeth and attempted to move the car several time. It budged a little, but every time Lindz stepped on the gas, the tires moved into a deeper hole.

After a while of debating on what to do and who to turn to, I called my dad. He's got a suburban beast of a thing, and I thought that he could hook a chain or something to Will's and his car and pull the car out. I think my tone of voice must have sounded fairly upset, but I was. I was stressed out, and cold, and pretty scared. I'd never been in this sort of "illegal" situation before, and I didn't know how to react or respond.

Anyway, after a good 15 minutes of asking him what the hell I should do, I eventually hung up and told will to call a tow truck. We figured that was the best route to go.

I'll stop there, because me fingers are getting tired. Actually, no. The tow guy came around 12:30am, and I had to drive a car load of people home. That was fun. I've never been to so many people's houses in one night. After dropping Dave off at around 12:48, I busted my ass on the highway home - and made it home for 12:57 - ohh yeah.

Anyway, that was a memorable experience. I was really pissed and embarassed at this point. It wasn't exactly what I considered having fun with friends, but it was a good experience, I guess... I don't know how anybody else feels. Oh, what especially pissed me off was that only about 2 or 3 of the 7 people thanked me for the ride... after my curfew. *sigh*. So that was my adventure.

This week is going to be busy again, too. I have a 2 labs due tomorrow, a take-home test to hand in, and work to catch up on. I have a test on wednesday AND friday in chem, which I am dredding. Although, I'm getting 73 in the class - which isn't bad considering I've pretty much failed all of the tests and quizzes.

I wish my sister would throw away her fucking Halloween candy! I've been sneaking them here and there, and it's pissing me off because it's ridiculously good. Guhhh. Well, this week, it's back to high protein. The only thing I don't like about this type of diet, though, is that at one point on day I couldn't really eat more than a few crackers - my stomach actually felt sick eating more than it had grown accustomed to during the few weeks. Interesting how that goes.

Anyways guys, it's been quite the day. I'll post more when other adventures arise.

2003-11-05T12:08:00.000-08:00

Has anyone felt as utterly defeated and weak as I feel right now?

Oh, p.s. As I'm sure most of you have noticed, I haven't been on ICQ in about... a month, maybe. I'll have it back soon enough, but to be honest, I haven't missed it much.

Email me at casskitty_88@hotmail.com if you want to chat.

2003-11-03T14:01:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, sorry it's been so long. Honest to god, I have been studying for *hours* every night just to pull off a 79 in bio. *sigh*. I work so hard..

Anywho, not much has been going on around here. Oakville really has nothing to do these days - I'm quite bored by it. I saw The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Kill Bill with Dave on saturday at the drive in... that was cool, I'm up for one of those again. The massacre itself was... disturbing. I wasn't really afraid, I was more jumpy and grossed out afterwords. It's hard to believe that that actually happened... jesus, there are some sick people out there. I can't even imagine what it must have been like... anyway. On a more positive note, I'm going up to Laurier on friday for a tour of the residence and alla that. It's still on the top of my list, as far as things go. So I guess we'll have to see.

Anyways, I hope everyone's happy and healthy. I promise to write more soon, but.. I really don't have anything interesting to say.

2003-10-29T12:07:00.000-08:00

The ignorance of some people really, REALLY pisses me off. Fuck, man. Honestly. You know what else bugs me? When I ask somebody for the smallest favour... and they agree to follow through with it..... and then they seem to have time for what, I suppose, are more "important" things. I'll remember that for the next time, and I'll give them a taste of their own medicine. Stupid, blind people...

"Inside my shell I wait and bleed.. I felt the hate rise up in me"

2003-10-27T12:08:00.000-08:00

But tell me, am I Evil?

2003-10-24T21:09:00.000-07:00

I've had a great day so far, despite thte fact that I've been burdened with a shitload of studying and work to do for next week *sigh*. I had my G2 test, and I actually passed! Haha, I was jumping for joy when the guy said "congradulations, you passed!". So as a part of celebrating, I brought Dave to the movies to watch Scary Movie 3 (such a STUPID movie, but anyway). Wow. This is so cool.

Anyway, I'm tired.. so I'll write more when my life seems to become more interesting.

2003-10-21T19:42:00.000-07:00

My psych class is really making me question a lot of things in a relationship. We've covered the different theories in the aspects of mate selection and all of that... but when it comes down to the basics, the things that I am learning are already in my head. Burnt deep in my mind somewhere, I subconsciously think of them, and I judge the person I am with without even knowing it. I've come to a couple of conclusions, so I figure this is interesting enough to blog it up about. Hopeless romantic, I guess.

1) We all want somebody to love. Human beings long for care, attention, and love from others, whether it be in friendship, family, or love, we all need it. If we don't, we feel isolated and lonely and it therefor makes it harder for us to show emotions.

2)Love isn't what you see it in the movies. It isn't that simple, and it has its ups and downs. It's hard work - there's a lot behind it that you have to overcome. The trust has to build, communication has to stay open, and the friendship background should be there.

3)You have to know yourself first, and cannot go into a relationship thinking that you're going to change somebody. You are who you are, and they are who they are. You either accept them, or you don't, and you get out, because it's dangerous.

4)If you love somebody, you'll forgive them when they admit to being wrong. You both have days where you won't understand each other, or that you'll disagree on something, or that one gets hurt. There's going to be days like that, and you'll question your relationship to the other person. This is usually temporary; love shines through.

5)You either love somebody, or you don't. But then again, what does love mean?

6)Sex is an important part of a relationship. It involves passion, intimacy, and romance - all of which both the sexes endulge in and share. It's a beautiful thing if you have it with the right person, and it only gets better over time. Remember that we're animals, as harsh as it sounds.

Finally, love isn't perfect. "Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it...It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more."

2003-10-17T19:15:00.000-07:00

...fuck off (as you can see, this hasn't been my day).

The next couple of days aren't looking too good either.

P.S. Thanks a lot.

2003-10-13T19:36:00.000-07:00

Why do I suck so much at relationships?